Feeling Sorry For Hermione
by jaffacake1
Summary: Harry's life is still in danger, Dumbledore still adores muggle sweets, and Ron is STILL completely and utterly oblivious. Hermione’s fifth year, told through letters to and from imaginary societies, penpals, parents etc, like in Feeling Sorry For Celi
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JKR, the format this story is in probably belongs to Jaclyn Moriarty (from Feeling Sorry For Celia.  READ IT!).  Well, she's who I nicked the idea off.  Lots of the societies and associations also belong to her.  However, all the penpals and their little problems and stuff belong to ME.  

A/N: This is Hermione's fifth year, told through letters to and from imaginary societies, penpals, parents etc.  May sound confusing, but it's really not once you read it.  And if you're still confused, read Feeling Sorry For Celia, where I got the idea from, because Jaclyn Moriarty is a professional author, and therefore most likely does it better than me.  Oh, and I realise that Hermione probably wouldn't tell a stranger all about Harry's problems and Sirius Black etc, but it makes it more interesting if she does, OK?  We can just assume that her penpal is NOT evil.

A/N 2: The Spanish wizarding academy belongs to me.  In case you're wondering, El Instituto de la Zapatilla Zafira (IZZ) means The Institute/Academy of the Sapphire Slipper.  Yes, very stupid, but it sounds pretty in Spanish, jah?  This is an R/Hr story, so don't worry about Hermione falling in love with some Spanish guy and abandoning Ron and Harry (there was quite a bit of abandoning in Feeling Sorry For Celia and so certain friends got worried…)

* * * * *

Dear Ms Granger,

                        It has come to our attention that you are amazingly bad at being a teenager.

I mean, think about it.  You are spending your Saturday night doing an Arithmancy essay.  You should be out HAVING FUN, or at least, you should take a break.  In fact, have you ever been out on a Saturday night?  Ever been to a party?  We thought not.

And another thing: you don't have a boyfriend, do you?  Ever been KISSED Hermione?  No, of course not.  You just sit there and pine over Ron, who is one of your best friends, and therefore will never notice you.  

It's pathetic.  You are a disgrace to teenagerhood.  Therefore, could you please go and hide in a small closet somewhere until your teenage years are over?

Thank you.

            Yours sincerely,

                        The Association of Teenagers

!!HERMIONE!!  OVER HERE!!  LOOK AT THIS NOTE!!  IMPORTANT!!!

Hermione, have you seen my pale blue sweater?  The one with the nice sleeves??  I really, really need to find it.  I have a date with Seamus tonight, and it's his favourite colour.  HAVE YOU SEEN IT???

            See you at breakfast,

                                    Lavender

Lavender,

            I haven't seen your sweater since you lent it to Padma.  Have you asked her?  She's probably still got it.  If she hasn't, WEAR SOMETHING ELSE.  You have about seven tops that are all pale blue.  Or borrow something off Parvati, she's got loads too.  If you are still desperate, I have a pale blue top as well.  STOP PANICKING.

            I haven't got time for breakfast,

                                                Hermione

Dear Ms Granger,

            It is with great pleasure that we invite you to join our Society.

We have just heard about your homework situation.  It's so impressive!  You have an Arithmancy essay due in about 15 minutes that you haven't finished, and a Runes translation that is, quite frankly, extremely shoddy.  All this because you took Saturday night off to talk to your friends.  We are extremely proud of you!  

Also, we have a feeling that you have a History of Magic test today.  And you don't know the name of all the wizards present at the Wizarding Council of 1458?  You don't have a clue why they even called the council, do you?  This is very promising.  You are perfect for our Society and we're very excited about having you join.

            Yours sincerely,

                        The Manager

                        Society of People Who Are Definitely Going to Fail Their O.W.L.s (and Most Probably Life as Well!!) 

A Letter From A Complete And Utter Stranger

Dear Complete And Utter Stranger,

            Hi.  I don't know what to say.  Well… introducing myself should be a start, right?  We were given a list of things we have to tell you.

My name: seems kind of pointless to say it here, cuz it actually says at the bottom of the letter, but in case you cannot be bothered to check, my name is Elena Calamares.  My mum adopted that name to make us seem more Spanish (I moved from England when I was seven years old cuz my parents split up), but she didn't know that it was a squid dish.

My school: well, you probably already know that I go to El Instituto de la Zapatilla Zafira (IZZ), cuz all us Spanish people in this penpal thing do.  It's alright I suppose.  What's Hogwarts like?  I almost went there, cuz, you know, I was born in England, so my name went in the book, but mum didn't want me to go to school in a different country to where she lives.

My interests: reading, writing, hanging around with friends, and interior designing _(not really) _(but really about the first three)

My friends: I have three best friends: Lorena (a bit odd up top), Jaime (really, really quiet) and Alfonso (really smart – although he hides it really well)

My family: I live (well, not during term time) with my mum (Kate) and my three younger siblings: Peter (he's twelve – he just started at IZZ in September), Matthew (ten years old and EVIL) and Little Katie, who's eight.  My dad lives in Cornwall, and I don't usually get to see him, except for one week every summer when I stay with him.  

That's everything I _have _to say.  So… tell me something about yourself!  In fact, just use the list above and change it to make it yours if you really want.  I'm sure Professor Plasta won't mind.  In fact, he'll probably be absolutely delighted that he's able to bore students from other countries as well as Spain.  Lucky him.

Actually, I'm quite excited about this whole penpal thing.  It's a chance to get to know new people from new places, as well as, you know 'strengthening international wizarding bonds' (Plasta's words, not mine).  I'm so glad I already speak English.  Everyone else is sitting around cursing at their letters (I've never heard the word 'mierda' more in my LIFE).  I should probably help them.  Any way, please write back soon.

                                    Love,

                                          Elena Calamares (I told you I'd write it at the end, didn't I?)

Dear Ms Granger,

            You're going to go and help Ron with his homework aren't you?  He's giving you pleading looks, and you KNOW he'll do very badly if you don't help him, don't you?  And you wouldn't want that to happen to one of your best friends, would you?  So, go and help him with his Transfiguration!  It's the nice friendly thing to do.

            Yours sincerely

                        Best Friends Club

Dear Hermione,

            And it also means that you'll be able to sit next to him, doesn't it?  For a whole hour?  And your knees might brush against each other's the whole time, like they did last week, mightn't they?

            Love,

                 The Young Romance Association

HERMIONE!!  OVER HERE!!  ON YOUR PILLOW!!

Padma says she did have it, but she lent it to some fourth year.  Grrr.  So I borrowed your top, I hope you don't mind?  I'll give it back to you tomorrow morning, and I promise I'll be very careful with it. Thank you SO much!  You are a lifesaver.  

            Loads of love,

                        Lavender

Lavender,

            I don't mind you borrowing my top.  Just try to keep any red sauce, mucky hands et al away from it.  Please?  Don't worry about cleaning my top – I've got a new charm I want to try on it.

            Hope you have fun,

                                    Hermione

A Letter To A Complete And Utter Stranger

Dear Elena,

            Hi!  I'm glad I got someone who thinks this is a good idea.  And you have no idea how glad I am that you speak English – I speak very little Spanish.  One of my friends, Ron got some boy (called Carlos or something – do you know him?) who wrote his whole letter in Spanish, and refuses to speak English.  At least, we think that's what he said, we got a first year who speaks Spanish to translate it.  I think I will use Professor Plasta's list, because it should make introducing myself easier.

My name: Hermione Granger (also written at the bottom of the parchment… it does seem like a silly thing to ask – I seem to remember being told at muggle school that you should never ever tell people your name in letters, BECAUSE it'll say at the end.  Try telling your teacher that).

My school: Hogwarts is a great school to go to!  Most of the teachers are really nice and glad to help you (although there are some exceptions) and the lessons are really interesting.  I especially like Transfiguration and Arithmancy.  What subjects do you learn at IZZ?  Which ones do you like best?

My interests: I love to read (_certain_ friends say I do it too much, but I generally ignore them), and I also love to do things with my friends.  Unfortunately we're usually too busy to do that too often, what with homework, practice O.W.L.s papers and Quidditch practice (my friend Harry's on the house team – do you play Quidditch at school?).

My friends:  my two best friends in the world are Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.  We've been through lots together and are as close as can be.  Usually.  Harry is quite quiet at the moment, which is worrying, but he doesn't seem too upset, which is good.  He's often quite quiet recently.  Ron on the other hand, is almost never quiet.  He spends most of his day making sarcastic comments and mocking me.  The rest of the time, he spends talking about Quidditch and NOT doing his homework.  He's infuriating.  I do have some girl friends too, but not as close, although I do talk to Ginny Weasley (Ron's little sister) a lot.

My family: I live with my parents during the holidays.  They're both muggle dentists (are your parents muggles?  Wizards?).  And I don't have any siblings.  I always wanted a little sister.  I'd settle for a little brother, or an older sibling or anything.  It's so boring being an only child – you've got no one to talk to when you're out with your family.  Is it nice having that many siblings?

I should probably tell you something about my life at the moment.  Well, not much has happened so far this year, probably because it's only September 10th.  It's my birthday in nine days though, which is quite exciting.  When's your birthday?

I'd better go now, Neville (a boy in my year) is sending me pleading looks.  He's probably having trouble with his Potions essay, and I really should help him.

            Write back soon,

                                    Hermione

!!HERMIONE!!  LOOK AT THIS NOTE RIGHT NOW!!  THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!!!

Have you seen Lavender anywhere?  Her bed hasn't been slept in, and I haven't seen her since she left with Seamus last night.  Can you ask Harry and Ron if they've seen Seamus?  In fact, do you know if anyone has seen either of them?  I'm really worried.

            Thanks,

                   Parvati

Parvati,

         She probably just lost track of time or fell asleep in the Astronomy Tower or something.  I'm sure she's fine – Ron says that Seamus' bed hadn't been slept in either.  Then he kinda sniggered, so I didn't ask him any more.  Don't worry, she'll probably come stumbling into lessons all bleary eyed.

            Love,

                 Hermione

* * * * *

Well, that's it for now.  Tell me what you think by LEAVING A REVIEW.  Please?  I'm gonna continue whether you like it or not, cuz it's fun, but still, I would like to know what you think.  Danke.  Oh, and sorry for any Spanish that's wrong, I haven't learnt Spanish for a year, so I'm a bit rusty.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Same as before.  Spellgebra might belong to Arabella (HQoW series).  It might have been in the books, I can't remember.  It's not mine anyway.

A/N: Hey, if you're feeling really bored, look up all the Spanish surnames/words etc in a dictionary.  I found them all in there, so they all have some meaning, even if it's not particularly relevant… I just liked them.  So if you're really, really, UNBELIEVABLY bored… 

* * * * *

HERMIONE!!!!

It's lunchtime and I still haven't seen her!  I've even tried checking all over the dorm for a note or something.  If you find a note PLEASE tell me, as soon as you find it!  You don't suppose she's run off with Seamus, do you?  I know she really likes him, and she turns 16 in less than a month, so she COULD get married.  Although his birthday's not 'til February… but still!  I don't know what else to think!

            Parvati

Dear Ms Granger,

            Parvati is clearly very worried.  Do everything you possibly can to make her feel better – tell her that you're sure that Lavender is fine.  Comfort her, and let her talk to you if she needs to.  HUG her if it comes to that.  She will appreciate it.

                        Yours sincerely,

                                    Handy Hints on How to Make Friends

                                    (A Division of the Best Friends Club)

Parvati,

      DON'T WORRY.  Lavender will be fine.  Maybe her and Seamus decided to skive.  I don't know.  But I really don't think she would elope.  You've been reading too many muggle romance novels.  Just because Lydia ran off with Mr Wickham DOESN'T mean that Lavender will elope with Seamus.  For starters, Seamus is much nicer than Mr Wickham, and also, Lydia is much more flighty than Lavender.  Besides, she would leave a note, and I've found none.  I even checked in Crookshank's basket.  She'll be back this evening, don't you worry.

            Hermione

Hermione,

            Although, it is quite romantic if they have eloped… Ron would never do something like that.  Perhaps you should start to look for another guy?  One like Seamus?  One who would run away into the sunset with you?

            Good luck finding one,

                        The Young Romance Association

Dear Hermione,

            OK.  You are best friends with… HARRY POTTER????  As in, The Boy Who Lived???? I think I need to sit down.  I mean, I guess I knew he was about our age, and he'd have to go to school somewhere… most likely Hogwarts… but still!!  What's he like?  Is he nice?  Does he really have the scar?  Is he cute?

Sorry if I seem nosey.  It's just really interesting.  There's no one famous at IZZ.  Your other friend Ron sounds nice.  In fact he sounds a lot like me.  But I'm less infuriating.  Really.  I gotta say I agree with him about the homework.  A waste of time, if you ask me.  Sure, some of the stuff we learn is interesting, but most of it is a HUGE waste of time.  Like, I am never, ever going to need to be able to turn my chair into a small giraffe.  I spent TWO HOURS trying to do that yesterday.  I could have been doing something useful, like… well, something else.  What use is a small giraffe?  I mean, really, the chair I had to start with was much more useful.  I tried to tell Professor Terco this, but no… teachers never listen to sense.  I also tried to tell Plasta what you said about not putting names in the letter, and he looked at me as though I was crazy.  Bah.

We've got lots of subjects here: Arithmancy, Transfiguration, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Charms, Herbology, Foreign Studies (with Plasta – that's why we're writing these letters), Care of Magical Creatures, Potions, History of Magic, Muggle Studies…that's all I can think of.  Those are the ones I'm taking, but there are others too, like Divination and Spellgebra.  My absolute favourite subject is Charms, because there are just so many different ones, and all of them interesting.  I also really like Care of Magical Creatures, Potions and History of Magic.  They're all alright, I suppose.  

You want one of my siblings?  I'll send you one if you can find an owl willing to carry them all the way from Spain.  Our house is always in chaos, there are too many of us.  I wouldn't want to be an only child though.  I just would like to have a little space that's mine, and mine only.  I have to share my room with Katie because our house only has three bedrooms.  And of course, at school I have to share my room with three other girls (Lorena, Primavera and Lucia), so I don't really have any place that's just _mine_, you know?  

My parents are both wizards, although my dad's practically a squib.  Seriously, I'm don't know _how_ he ever graduated from Hogwarts.  He always does the wrong spell – once, when I was three years old, he turned my hair blue, which I though was kinda cool, but my mum got SO mad with him, especially when he tried to turn it back, and only succeeded in making it go more purpley.  It took her, like three hours to get it back to normal.  My mum on the other hand, is pretty smart, and so never makes mistakes like that.  What's it like having muggle dentists for parents?  Is it odd, like, living in two worlds or whatever?

I bought you a little something for your birthday.  It's not much, just a little model of a unicorn.  I hope you like unicorns – if you don't, just send the model back, and I'd be more than happy to keep it myself!  My birthday's not for ages – August 19th – so I've only really just turned 15.  I've got so long to wait 'til my 16th.  I hope you have a lovely Birthday.

We do play Quidditch here, we have an Inter-house Competition every year, and we can also take it as a class (needless to say, Alfonso and Jaime both signed up like a shot).  I like Quidditch and all, but I'm not really that good at it.  I'm scared of heights too, so swooping all over a pitch, 50ft in the air, clinging onto nothing but a thin piece of wood and twigs… not really my idea of a good time.  Fun to watch though.

            Hope to hear from you soon,

                                                      Elena

P.S. Is Carlos' surname Enojoso?  Carlos Enojoso?  If it is, tell your friend not to worry about him, he's an absolute PRAT.  Find some way to hex him, please, you'd be doing everyone a favour.

Dearest Hermione,

            How are you settling in again?  Did you remember to pack everything?  Is there anything you need me to send on to you?  Work isn't too hard, is it?  Are Harry and Ron fine?  Do look after Harry this year, Molly and Arthur have told me a little and I'm worried about him.

Everything is as usual at home, we've got lots of business at the surgery and the weather is nice.  Poor Mrs Wilfer next door hasn't been too well though – I think age is finally getting to her.  She sends her love.  Your father has decided that it's high time he does some DIY, and so we are completely redecorating the spare room.  He wanted to do it in brown and yellow (brown and yellow?  Are all men colour-blind??) but I managed to argue him to Appleblossom and Lemon Tropics.  He's been wrestling with the new shelves all morning, and so far, I think they're winning.  I should probably go and help him now – honestly, he'll never get it done if I don't.  

            Write back as soon as you can,

                                                Love and kisses

                                                            Mum and Dad

Dear Elena,

            Everything is really, really panicked here.  Well, not everything… just my dorm really.  One of the girls in my dorm (Lavender) didn't show up for any of her lessons today, and her bed wasn't slept in last night.  Last time we saw her, she was about to go out with Seamus, her boyfriend – he hasn't been seen either, but the boys aren't too worried.  Parvati (Lavender's best friend, also in my dorm) is frantic.  She's convinced that they've eloped – despite the fact they're both only 15 – and that they're going to come back married with 2.4 children.  She's impossible to calm down, I've spent the whole afternoon trying to convince her that they've probably just spent the whole day in Hogsmeade (local wizarding town – only one in the UK) having butter beers and watching the autumn leaves falling or something.

To answer your questions, yes, THE Harry Potter is one of my best friends.  Yes, he is very nice – I wouldn't be friends with him if he wasn't.  He's also quite quiet lately, he loves Quidditch and has quite a sense of humour when he wants.  He really does have the scar, slap-bang in the middle of his forehead.  As for him being cute, well, I've never REALLY noticed.  He's kinda like a brother to me.  I suppose he's not hideous or anything, but I've never really thought about it.  Sorry to disappoint you.

Thank you so much for the little unicorn!  I absolutely love it!  It keeps walking around my dressing table and flexing its legs.  I think I should probably give it a name – what do you think?  Got any ideas?  Ron keeps glaring at it (her/him?).  I think this is something to do with a South American penpal his brother Bill had when he was younger – he sent Bill a cursed hat that made his ears shrivel up.  He probably thinks that your unicorn is cursed too.  He glares even more when I try and point out that it's completely safe, which, of course makes me start giggling, because he's such a fool sometimes.  I told him that you share his view on homework, which made him a little less suspicious, but I think you'd have to say something amazing like: 'Oh, by the way, my best friend is seeker for Chudley Cannons – wanna come meet him?  Oh, and we've got tickets to the match too!' before he'd fully trust your unicorn.  

You shouldn't encourage his bad homework habits.  He's such a smart boy – he's brilliant at chess, and you need to be something akin to a genius to be that good at it – and he would do _so well _if he would just apply himself.  I don't know how he expects to pass his O.W.L.s this year.

We've got most of the same subjects as you, but we don't have Foreign Studies – what do you learn in that?  You like Potions and History of Magic?  Those subjects always seem so interesting, but, unfortunately we don't have the greatest of teachers for them.  Professor Snape teaches Potions, and while he certainly knows what he's talking about, but he's not very… nice.  Especially to people in Gryffindor (my house) because he's head of Slytherin (our rival house).  And he really, REALLY doesn't like Harry, because he didn't get on with his dad when they went to school together, and so Ron and I are also on his black list, by association.  And History of Magic is taught by THE most boring ghost in existence.  Which is a real pity, because the subject matter is really interesting – all Goblin Rebellions and Wizards Councils and stuff.  

I'd love one of your siblings – preferably not the evil one, but he'll do at a pinch.  If you used about twelve owls, you could probably airlift a small child all the way up here.  I'm not sure how far it is – maybe 600 miles?  It depends whereabouts in Spain you are really.  But I'm sure that we could figure something out.  I really, really want a sibling.  Ron's got six, so I might be able to get one of him – less distance to cover.  I often stay with his family in the holidays (well, I have twice…) and his house is great.  He's got five older brothers (Bill, who's about 30ish, and works as a curse breaker in Egypt; Charlie, about 25, works with dragons in Romania; Percy, 20, works at the Ministry; and Fred and George, who are both 17 and in their last year at Hogwarts) and a little sister Ginny, who's the year below us.  His house is chaotic too, and I love it!  I love living with my parents and all, but I really wish they'd had more children.  A bit late now though, I suppose, cuz my mum's just turned 40.

It's a bit strange going home at the end of the year to a completely different world.  I keep in touch with Harry and Ron, and I get the Daily Prophet delivered, but it's not the same.  And of course my parents can't really understand what's going on at the moment.  They have been told, but they don't really know that much about it, cuz they weren't there last time, and haven't really been affected.  

I didn't know you had different houses at IZZ – how many are there?  What are they called?  Which one are you in?  I looked in the library, and there's not really much on your school.  It just said that it was set up in 1786, and was situated somewhere near Zaragoza.  

Hope to hear from you soon,

                                    Hermione

P.S. Yes, his name is Carlos Enojoso.  I told Ron what you said, and he muttered darkly to himself.  He's got 1001 Nasty Hexes and Curses for Beginners out of the library, so I'm a bit worried.  Whatever you do, make sure you're not around when Carlos opens this letter – it could be messy.

Dear Mum and Dad,

            Fifth year is fine so far, we haven't got _too _much work so far, so everyone is surviving.  I have everything I need, I think.  If you _do _find anything you think I need, please send it on.  Harry and Ron are both fine – Harry's a little bit quiet, but Ron is his usual self.  DON'T WORRY.

Tell Mrs Wilfer she should go and visit Dr Yiu.  It's better to be safe than sorry.

Are you sure it was wise to set dad loose on the spare bedroom?  You do remember what happened when he tried to decorate the kitchen, don't you?  Everything tasted of paint for weeks after, too.  And I am _so _glad you had a say in the colour.  Never let a man who wears navy socks with brown sandals pick colours for rooms!  Appleblossom and Lemon Tropics sounds lovely though.

            Give my love to all,

                                    Hermione

!!HERMIONE!!  OVER HERE!!!  VERY, VERY IMPORTANT!!!!

Lavender is fine!  Her and Seamus spent the whole day sitting in the grounds by the Lake talking and mucking about and stuff.  I'm going to kill her for making me worry so much.  And, Hermione, I haven't been reading muggle romance novels, but by the sounds of it you've been hitting the Austen again.  What have I said about that?  

            See you at dinner,

                                    Parvati

HERMIONE!!!

Parvati says that I have to write you an apology note for making you worry.  I am VERY sorry, I should have left a note to tell you both where I was, but it was spur of the moment.  

Very sorry,

            Lavender

Lavender and Parvati,

            I'm glad to hear that you're safe, Lavender.  You really should have told us where you were going though, I've never seen Parvati so frantic in my life.  And we had to make excuses for you and Seamus in all your lessons – I don't think Professor McGonagall believed us when we said you were feeling a bit faint.  

Parvati, I'll have you know that I haven't read Pride and Prejudice since the summer holidays, I've been far too busy.  But even if I had, it's a brilliant book and there is absolutely nothing wrong with constantly referring to it.

                                    See you at dinner,

                                                            Hermione

Dear Hermione,

            You want spur-of-the-moment romantic gestures, don't you?  Perhaps you should go and talk to Ron.  You know… flirt a little.  Nothing too obvious, but it couldn't hurt, could it?

                        Love,

                        The Young Romance Association

Dear Ms Granger,

            Would you like to hear that again?

'I'll go get Hermione, she's probably in the library, doing homework.  It's not like she ever does anything else, ever.'

Hurtful, isn't it?  That that's how Ron thinks of you?  Would you like to hear it again?  It won't change what he meant, you know.

'I'll go get Hermione, she's probably in the library, doing homework.  It's not like she ever does anything else, ever.'

How about at high speed?

'I'llgogetHermione,she'sprobablyinthelibrary,doinghomework.It'snotlikesheeverdoesanythingelse,ever.'

In slow motion:

'I'll

go

get

Hermione,

she's

probably

in

the

library,

doing

homework.

It's

not

like

she

ever

does

anything

else,

ever.'

In black-and-white, 3D, in Dolby bloody Surround.  We can reply it for you over and over again, but it won't change what he said.

Understand?

Sure you do.

            Yours sincerely,

                        The Instant Replay Society

Dear Ms Granger,

            Ron sees you as nothing but a walking copy of Hogwarts: a History.  You are nothing more to him.  He will never ever like you in that way.

I'm glad we were able to clear that up.

                                    Yours etc,

                                                Cold Hard Truth Association

* * * * *

Well, what did you think?  Tell me by CLICKING ON THE PURPLE REVIEW BUTTON.  Please?  It would be much appreciated.

Thanks for my two reviews =)

And very high praise, Kaylin.  Thanks!  It is a brilliant book, isn't it?  I'm still deeply disappointed by Saxon though – he seemed so _nice_! 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Four months and nine days 'til Christmas, so get saving!  I may not own the HP lot yet, but I will!!  Donations welcome.

A/N: I won't be updating this for an age, cuz I'm going on holiday to Devon – Land of the cream tea, scones and… THE WEASLEYS!!!!!  What do you reckon the chances are of me stumbling upon The Burrow?  Slim to none?  Bugger.  I guess I'll just have to find some OTHER way to kidnap Ron and Percy.  And the twins.  And Bill and Charlie.  Ginny can come too… and Arthur and Molly.  And if Harry and Hermione happen to be there…  Oh, and you do all know that these societies aren't real, don't you?  It's just Hermione's vivid imagination.

* * * * *

History of Magic notes

**Hermione, are you alright?**

Yes Ron, I'm fine.

**Well, are you mad at me then?**

No Ron, I'm not.

**Are you sure?**

Yes.

**Positive?**

No.

I knew it.  I knew you were upset.  See, I TOLD you I could be sensitive.  What's the matter?

Nothing.

**Why are you so quiet then?**

I'm not quiet.

Yes you are.  You haven't spoken more than three words all morning.  

It's nothing Ron.  DROP IT.

**Hermione, it's _obviously _not nothing.  Just tell me, dammit.**

Ron, if you don't stop passing me notes _right this second _I will hex you.  I mean it.

**Fine.  Don't tell me.  It's not as though I'm one of your _best friends _or anything.  You don't have to tell me _anything.  _Forget I asked.**

Transfiguration Notes

_Hermione, why are you upset with Ron?_

_Hermione, would you just answer please?_

_HERMIONE!!!_

You shouldn't be passing notes in Transfiguration, Harry.

_Well if you just tell me what Ron did quickly, then I'll stop._

Why do you assume Ron did something?

_You said he did._

Oh.  It's nothing.

_Hermione, stop being stupid.  Just talk to Ron.  He's upset you know._

And I'm not?

_I wouldn't know, seeing as you're not telling me anything._

_Hermione?_

_Hermione, I didn't mean that._

_I take it back.  Forget I ever said it.  Just talk to Ron, please, for the love of ANYTHING.  I hate it when you two fight._

Fine.  I'll talk to him.  Happy?

_Indubitably so._

Dear Hermione,

            Do you want to be called Hermione?  Do you prefer Herm?  Or Mione?  Betty, Patsy, Lilah?  If you want me to call you anything, just say.  Or if you don't want me to call you by any shortened version, just yell at me.  Like, I HATE being called Ellie.  Anyone who calls me Ellie is, like, hated forever.  Unless they apologise and didn't mean to or whatever.  Still, I really hate it.

Oh!  Your friend!  Is she ok?  Did she show up?  Had she eloped?  She's not pregnant is she?  Your life sounds a hell of a lot more interesting than mine.  The most dramatic thing that ever happens is that Lorena and me fall out or something.  No one ever ELOPES.  But, your friend might not have… did you manage to calm down her friend?  Parvati? 

Actually, I believe you that you've never been interested in Harry in that way.  A bit disappointing for the gossipy side of me, but still.  I kind of get the feeling that you have your sights set somewhere else… you know what I mean?  Hehe.  Sorry.

I'm glad you like the unicorn.  You should definitely name it.  What name?  I'm not sure.  Name it after someone or something.  Like… me!  Elena the Unicorn.  Hrm… doesn't sound as good as Elena the Elephant.  Bah.  I'm really bad at thinking up names.  My parents asked me what I wanted to call Katie and I suggested Mantequilla, cuz I'd heard Spanish people say it, and it sounded pretty.  Unfortunately, it means butter… so if I'd had my way, poor Katie would be Mantequilla Calamares – Butter Squid.  So as you can see, I'm really not the person to ask.

Funny you should mention the Chudley Cannons – my dad is on their team!  Hah! He wishes… but he does support them.  He's got a season ticket, so I've seen them play a few matches over the years.  Never seen them win though – it's been years since their last win, hasn't it?  He always came home from games looking dead depressed.  Your friend Ron actually supports them?  I always thought my dad was the only one.  And tell Ron that my unicorn is MOST DEFINITELY not cursed, and I'm hurt that he would think such a thing.

Speaking of cursed… Carlos got a rather… interesting letter this morning.  He was sitting over at the Pavoreal (one of our six houses…I'll explain them later) table and I was eating my chorizo nice and peacefully, when I heard these agonised (possibly irritated, crazy and kinda scared) screams.  So, naturally, I turned around, and Carlos had something creeping up his arm, but I couldn't see what, so I kinda casually walked over to their table to have a look.  Guess what it was?  I'll give you a little space to guess – write down your guesses if you want.

You didn't get it, did you?  It was _paisley.  _He had a paisley pattern creeping up his arm, spreading all over his body, even to his hair and face.  And it was PURPLE and MAROON paisley.  I've never seen him so mad.  He started scrubbing at his arm, and one of his friends threw pumpkin juice on him to try and wash it off.  It's quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen.  Tell Ron he is a GENIUS, and I worship at his feet.  Carlos went to the hospital wing, but SeÔora Cicatrizarse hasn't been able to get rid of it yet.  Oh… I have dreamed of a day like this for SO LONG.

O.W.L.s… are they like E.J.O.T.E.s?  Exams you take at the end of your fifth year?  If they are, our teachers have been droning on and on and bloody on about them for years.  Years and years and years.  I can't believe we only have one more year of hearing about them.  But I suppose then we have to deal with O.R.O.s.  Bloody exams.  What's O.W.L.s stand for?

Foreign Studies is awful.  Well, Plasta is.  We learn about wizarding events from around the world, famous wizards from loads of different countries, and we learn about other wizarding schools and stuff, which is why we're writing to you.  It'd be a lot more enjoyable if I didn't know there's gonna be some kind of follow up work.

Wow!  Ron's got more siblings than me!  I don't envy him at Christmas.  That's another bad thing about big families – present buying is absolute HELL.

Right, I told you I'd explain about the six houses, didn't I?  They are: Urraca, Alondra, Petirrojo, Pavoreal, {guila and Reyezuelo – all named after birds.  I'm in Petirrojo (robin) house, which I personally think is the nicest.  Pavoreal (peacock) is definitely the worst, cuz they're just like their namesake – extremely vain and (pardon my English) up themselves.  I don't know why they're all named after birds, or whose idea it was.  I know, like nothing about the history of IZZ.  I didn't even know when it was founded.  What are the houses at Hogwarts?

Well, better go now, cuz I have a MOUNTAIN of homework.

            Write soon,

                        Elena

Dear Ms Granger,

            We hear you are fighting with one of your best friends.  If this continues, we may have to revoke your membership – you will give us a bad name.  However, we also hear that you have agreed to talk to him.  This is good.  With any luck you should be best of friends again this evening.  If not… we give you until Friday.

                                    Yours sincerely,

                                                Best Friends Club

Dear Elena,

            WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'YOU GET THE FEELING MY SIGHTS ARE SET ELSEWHERE???  Where elsewhere???? Please explain yourself.  I don't know what you mean.

In other news, I'm fighting with Ron.  Again.  We're always fighting, actually, and it drives Harry mad.  Can't say I'm too keen on it either, at least not when it's serious.  It's not as bad as it sometimes is – I'm just not talking to Ron because I overheard him say something about me never doing anything except hanging around the library.  I might have overreacted a little… I don't think he meant it in a mean way.  But then I wouldn't tell him what was wrong and he got mad at me, so now he's not talking to me either.  Harry persuaded me to talk to him and sort it out, so I had to, you know?  Harry hates it that we fight all the time, and I just felt really, really bad about it.  I couldn't say no.  

Lavender showed up at 7pm the next day – turned out she'd spent the whole day sitting by the lake with Seamus, her boyfriend.  So no massive drama there. 

I came up with a name for my unicorn – Mantequilla.  It _is _a very pretty name, and practically no one here speaks Spanish, so they won't know it's called Butter.  So it's kind of named in your honour.

I get the feeling that you would really get on well with Ron.  And not just because you have Chudley Cannons tickets – although that would certainly help… I can't believe he turned that boy PAISLEY.  I really can't.  Paisley??  Why paisley?  His pyjamas are paisley I suppose… maybe he likes it?  That boy never ceases to amaze me.

O.W.L.s are indeed exams at the end of fifth year.  Ordinary Wizarding Levels.  Then in our 7th year we have N.E.W.T.s (Nasty Exhausting Wizarding Tests).  What do E.J.O.T.E. and O.R.O. stand for?  Are they actual words as well, like owls and newts?  I've been trying to learn a little Spanish but there are no real resources here – I don't suppose you could teach me a little, could you?  Just a few useful phrases – I'll try and learn it properly in the summer holidays.

Foreign Studies sounds incredibly interesting, especially learning about other wizarding schools.  If you have to do a project on Hogwarts, might I suggest Hogwarts, A History?  It has everything you could ever possibly need to know.  Although it does skim over some of the nastier aspects of the school… house elves for example.  Not once in over 1000 pages are they mentioned, despite the fact that there are more here than in any other wizarding dwelling in the whole of Britain.  It's disgusting.

It's fascinating to hear all about the houses at your school.  Really, it is.  What are the other four houses called in English?  How are you sorted?  I can't believe it doesn't mention any of this in our library.  At Hogwarts we have Gryffindor (my house – definitely the nicest), Hufflepuff, Slytherin and Ravenclaw.  Pavoreal sounds like Slytherin.  Probably.  A nasty piece of work, right?

I'd better go now, sorry this is so short.  Ron's just come in here and Harry's looking at me meaningfully, so I'd better go and see if Ron wants to talk to me.  

                        Wish me luck,

                                    Hermione

* * * * *

A/N 2: Sorry this is short, sorry there are notes, sorry there isn't much from the societies.  I just wanted to get another chapter posted before I left.  And it was lots of fun with a Spanish dictionary… ahem.  But acronyms in a language I don't speak so well were SO hard to make.  Gah! 

Kaylin – I think I've been going through that phase for quite some time now…I don't know where you can get a copy of the book – aren't there any libraries nearer you?  Or bookshops?  If all else fails, they've probably got it on Amazon…

CuteSarah – Ron?  Stop being a prat?  But then he wouldn't be Ron anymore!  'Sides… Hermione loves his prattishness really… now if he would only open his bloody eyes, it'd all be sorted!

Rainsong – Thank you very much =) it was a great book wasn't it?  One of a kind… unfortunately.

Hermione 2000 – I can't say!  That'd be telling!  Probably though… they're not gonna end up with anyone else at any rate because they are DESTINED, no matter what H/Hr shippers say… *glares and brandishes list of why R/Hr is best*

Li-chan – Thanks.  Yeah, they were a bit mean, but what can I say?  Hermione's a masochist with issues.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Still don't own them… *sniff*

A/N: Sorry I took a while… Devon was great, and I found somewhere that looked like The Burrow… A tree covered hilltop above a little village with in walking distance of the River Otter.  Not far from Ottery St Mary or Upottery… Parental units got mad when I started squealing though.  Oh, and some of the accented letters come out wrong.  Dammit.  Long live Percy Weasley!

HERMIONE!!!  OVER HERE!! UNBELIEVABLY IMPORTANT!!!!

Hermione, have you seen my crystal ball?  Please, please say you have – I have Divination first thing, and Professor Trelawney will KILL me if I forget it again.  We're meant to try and see our one true love today, and so, you can understand, I really, REALLY need to find it.

            Yours in Desperation,

                                    Lavender

Lavender,

            It's where you left it, on the cabinet in the corner.  It's always there.  It was there last week, and the week before.  It has taken up PERMENANT RESIDENCE there.  And another thing, how are you always losing everything?  And why do you always ask me where it is?  I can't keep track of everything you know.  I have enough of my own problems.

            Hermione

Hermione,

            I think you know exactly what I mean when I say you have your sights set elsewhere.  Believe me, I am never wrong about these things.  It's like some kind of sixth sense.  Trust me.

Fighting with Ron AGAIN?  How often do you two fight?  I get the impression this is a common occurrence… doesn't that annoy you a bit?  Always fighting?  Don't you ever get tired of it?  I hate fighting with my friends.  It makes me miserable, and I just snap at everyone, so I've just stopped.  Cold turkey.  No more fighting for Elena, oh no.  And you know what?  I feel better already.  I am much happier than usual, I sleep well at night, and I've even started doing some homework.  You should try it.  It's great!

You want to learn some Spanish, do you?  Just some useful phrases?  Well, try this one.  I think you'll find it very… handy.  _Hola!  Me llamo Hermione.  Estoy perdidamente con mi amigo mejor, Ron Weasley.  Pienso esta muy guapo.  _You know what that means?  Would you like to?  It means… hang on, I'll give you a little space to guess first.

Right.  It means… _Hello!  I am Hermione.  I am head over heels in love with my best friend, Ron Weasley.  I think he is very nice-looking.  _Let me know if this comes in handy…

Speaking of… how'd it go with trying to talk to him?  Are you still fighting?  Write me back as soon as you can and tell me.  Glad to hear Lavender's alright too… although it would have been romantic if they HAD eloped.

Houses.  You really want to hear more about our houses???  Well, Urraca means magpie, and they're generally quite cautious – not paranoid, just careful kinda people; Alondra means lark, and they're the house with performing talent – singing, acting etc; Petirrojo (my house) means robin, and we're the nice house, although I may be slightly biased; Pavoreal means peacock and they're all in love with themselves; Aguila means eagle, and they're the brave, daring house; and finally, Reyezuelo means wren, and they're the smartest house.  That's pretty much it.  

E.J.O.T.E.s and O.R.O.s… Eurgh.  E.J.O.T.E. (meaning green bean – stupid or what?) stands for Los Examenes para los Jovenes Optimo, Tremendas y Excelentes, or in English: Exams for the Best, most Excellent and Tremendous Youths or something.  Doesn't make so much sense in English.  O.R.O. (meaning gold – slightly less stupid than ejote) stands for Oposiciones Repulsivo y Odiosas, or Nasty Repulsive Public Examinations.

Well, not much happening here, and Alfonso is looking at me oddly, so I'd better go.

Love and Snitch-covered socks,

                                                            Elena

Hermione,

            She knows.  She knows, she knows, SHE KNOWS!!  Everybody knows.  They're all laughing.  Especially Ron.  There is only one thing you can do: get plastic surgery and move to the middle of the Brazilian jungle and live as a recluse.  You could call yourself Juanita.  How did she find out?  You're so obvious!  This is not good.  Oh God, oh God…I think I'm gonna be ill.

                        Yours,

                              Perfect Time To Panic Ltd

Hermione,

            Do not listen to PTTPL.  Under no circumstances must you take them seriously.  Nobody knows.  Well, except Elena, but she has a sixth sense.  She said.  Ron hasn't got a clue, he never does.  You are completely and utterly safe.  There will be no Juanita.  Understand?  Everything is _just fine._

            Yours, 

                   Take a Deep Breath and Calm Down Society

HERMIONE!!!!

Hermione, 

            Are you still upset about the Ron thing?  Or are you just pissed off?  Stressed?  Sorry for bothering you.  Thanks anyway.  If you're worried about anything you can't talk to the boys about… well, don't forget we're here too.

Ugh, how soppy.

Still, I'm serious.

            Love,

                  Lavender

Elena,

       What I am about to say is in the utmost confidence.  If a word of this ever passes your lips, I will do something much, MUCH worse than turn you paisley.  I don't know what yet, but I will find something, even if I have to borrow Ron's book.  Are we quite clear?

If I hear you've told anyone… anyone at all… I will hurt you.  If I even hear the slightest rumour, even if it's spread by someone as unreliable as the muggle tabloids, that you have told anyone _anything _secret about me, I will hunt you down and use all three unforgivable curses on you.  At the same time.  Are we quite clear about this?  Completely and utterly clear?  As clear as a newly washed window?  We'd better be…

Yes.  You're right.  Ron is nice-looking.  Yes, I think so.  Yes, I have tingly feelings in my stomach.  Eurgh.  Now, if you ever make me say that again… well, I'll be angry.

As for our 'talk'… well, that didn't go so well.  I dragged him out to a deserted corridor, where I apologised, he said sorry too (you're probably wondering why this is a bad thing, right?), and then we set off back to the common room, all happy and speaking, and everything.  It was great.  But then, of course, something ruined it.  

There's this boy in our year who's a complete and utter bastard - and that's coming from someone who NEVER swears.  He's always making nasty comments about us, especially Harry.  Well, on this occasion, he did his usual – taunted Ron about not having money, called me a Mudblood – which I completely ignored, and I even managed to get Ron to ignore too.  We just walked past him and completely ignored him, but then he called out… oh, it was _so _embarrassing… he called out 'Sure Weasley, just do exactly what your little girlfriend says.'  His little girlfriend??  Ron turned absolutely purple and stalked off in the other direction – amazing, seeing as he rarely passes up on a chance to take a swing at Malfoy (the prattish Slytherin who started this).  I was just left there, rooted to the spot, probably the colour of a beetroot.  So Malfoy just stood there and laughed.  I finally got the use of my limbs back, and I marched right up to him and – oh, I can't believe I actually did this, AGAIN – I smacked him around the side of his head.  I just picked up my book bag and swung it at him.  He staggered a bit, and then I saw a little blood trickle down his forehead, and I realised what I'd just done, so I just _ran.  _As fast as my legs could carry me.  So now not only am I not really speaking to one of my best friends – well, we're speaking, but it's really, really _awkward _– I'm also a juvenile delinquent.  My life is over.  And I have so much homework I need to do, it's piling up on my desk.  I just can't _concentrate.  _I should be trying to memorise the ingredients for a Duplication Potion, but I can't get any further than 'Take a sprig of thyme'.  

I'm sorry, I've just talked about myself selfishly for this whole letter.  It was very interesting to hear about all your houses.  And all your exams too.  I need to stop talking about myself… tell me more about your life at school.  What about your friends?  What did Alfonso want?  How's your No-Fighting Policy working?  Please write back and tell me.

            Love and self-absorption,

                                                Hermione

Lavender,

            What Ron thing?  There is no Ron thing.  We're just fine.  I'm just a little under the weather… and we've got too much homework.  If I have any real problems I can't tell them, I promise I'll come to you.  Happy?

                        Love,

                             Hermione

HERMIONE!!!!  CHECK YOUR LAMP!!!  NOTE FOR YOU!!!

Hermione,

            If there's no Ron thing, why are you hardly speaking to each other?  It's creepy.  You've got us all worried.  Harry looks worried too.  Please, if there's really nothing wrong, act more normal!  Remember… anything you want to tell us you can.  Anything… anything at all.  No matter how embarrassing… even if it involves a certain redhead… we are here…

        Love,

              Lavender and Parvati

PS Have you seen my eagle quill? – Lavender

Dear Juanita,

            If there was ever a time to change your name and run away to the jungle, it is now.  Not only does Elena know – and she even has a written confession, which could easily fall into the wrong hands – but Lavender and Parvati know too.  They all know.  _Malfoy _knew.  Your life is over.  Run while you still can!

                        Yours worriedly,

                                    Perfect Time To Panic Ltd

Juanita,

        We agree.  RUN!!!!!

                        Yours,

                               Take a Deep Breath and Calm Down Society

* * * * *

I am so unbelievably sorry for massacring the Spanish language.  I can't speak it so well… and acronyms in a language you don't speak are absolute HELL.  If you're Spanish, I humbly apologise and I beg for your forgiveness.

Anyway… I don't know when I'll next update – I start school again on Thursday, and it's exams year – but I'll try and get at least one a week.  That may or may not happen, but I'll try.  So now, please, please, PLEASE leave a review.  Do it for Juanita.

Thank yous!

rock_steady13 - *staggers*  wow… I'm feeling very honoured right now… yay!  Thank you lots!  And England's really not that special once you've lived there all your life.  And you can't leave your house unlocked, cuz you'll be robbed before you can say 'hey, where's my keys?'  The book's by Jaclyn Moriarty, and is called Feeling Sorry for Celia.  There's a lemon on the front… R/Hr forever!!

Juliette – thank you very much!

Quidditch Anyone – Thanks to you too!  Trip was nice and… green.

Hermione_2000 – original?  Yes… copied straight out of two of my fave books!  Well… kinda.  Danke!  =)

tempestuous – wow!  I'm definitely very honoured… although methinks you a little mad… thanks anyway.

Next chapter: Hermione's birthday!  My timescale's skewiff, but hey.  


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: You know, it hurts having to say this… I have no claim whatsoever on the Harry Potter characters.  *sob* Are you happy now, you blood sucking legal fiends???

A/N: I hate school.  A lot.  I have so much homework already, and I've only been back for two days.  So if updates become sparse, that's why, and I'm very sorry.  Blame my teachers, and whatever bright spark thought it would be fun to invent GCSEs.  But hey… 1 B, 3 As and an A* so far, so it can't be that bad!  Never Ending Notebooks belong to Arabella (HqoW), and skint in slang for 'lacking in money' in case that's too English for you.

Dear Ms Granger,

            Once more, we feel the need to remind you of just how pathetic you are.  Think about it: you are hiding in the girls' loos so that you won't have to talk to one of your best friends, who you also happen to be in love with.  It does not get more pathetic that this.  Although staying hidden in a toilet cubicle is a good start, we still recommend you crawl into a small closet and stay there.

            Yours sincerely,

                        The Association of Teenagers

Dear Ms Granger,

            You have been hiding in here for three hours now, and no one has come to look for you.  Why is this?  Because they don't care.  You are insignificant.  You do not matter.  Give it up right now.

Yours etc,

                                                Cold Hard Truth Association

Hermione,

            OK… so much happened in that last letter I'm still trying to catch my breath.  I mean, you admit to being perdidamente for one of your best friends, you make up after having a big argument, you are both completely humiliated by your arch nemesis (ok, maybe I'm exaggerating that part a teensy bit…) and then you ASSAULT said arch nemesis?  AGAIN???  Firstly, when did this happen the first time?  Do you make a habit of attacking nasty insulting boys?  If you do, I totally support you, it just shocked me a bit, that's all.  I can't believe you made him bleed… I would love to be as brave as you and just WHAM, hit someone 'round the head like that.  Not just for the hell of it, you understand, but if they totally deserved it, like that Malfoy guy.  

And as for what you said about Ron… I promise that not one word of it will ever pass my lips.  Seriously, I know exactly what you're going through (well, kinda…) and I would never tell anyone.  Ever.  That doesn't mean I won't talk to you about it though… Tell me more about him!  All I know is that he's a little bit rash, has a sense of humour (paisley!  I will never look at paisley the same way again) and he likes the Chudley Cannons.  What does he look like?  What's he act like when he's not arguing with you?  These are all vital things I need to know in order to discern whether or not he is good enough for you.  

If you're really sure you want to hear more about the soap opera that is my life… here it is.  Soap opera may be a slight exaggeration, as no one overacts and nothing of interest ever happens, but still, it was the best I could come up with.  Lorena Extrano (remember her?) has developed an obsession with our new Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Professor Mono.  For most other girls, this would mean fantasising from afar (there are many who do this… he IS very nice looking), but for Lorena… well, she has to be different.  She has taken to following him around the school, hiding behind pillars and statues, taking photos of him.  She's hung them all up over her bed, which is creepy, cuz they all watch you as you walk around the dorm room.  And cuz, you know, she's stalking him!

Jaime Profundidad-Oculta is much the same as usual.  He's being his usual quiet self, although he is speaking up a bit more, usually to say something so amazingly smart or witty that everyone is taken aback.

And Alfonso Listo… where to begin?  Remember I said I understood your problems?  Well… yes.  This would be why.  Don't make me say it, you know what I mean.  He's so damn NICE it's almost driving me crazy.  I mean, I could go completely crazy and yell at him, and he'd just sit there and look sad, but he wouldn't get mad at me.  NOTHING I do seems to make him mad.  It's turned into some kind of crazy mission for me, to try and make him angry, but I'm fairly certain I'm going to fail.  

It's your birthday tomorrow, isn't it?  I hope you have a lovely day and get many beautiful presents.

            Lots of love and Birthday Wishes,

                                                            Lorena

Charms Notes

Ron?

**Hermione?**

You didn't pay any attention to what Malfoy said, did you?

**What thing that Malfoy said?**

You know exactly what I'm talking about.  In the corridor.  When I hit him.

**You hit him???  Again??**

Yes, didn't you already know that?  Anyway, that's not the point.  The point is, you're not talking to me.

I'm not?  Cuz I was under the impression that that was what I was doing this very second… And I didn't know you hit him.  Why didn't you tell me?  You know I love to hear about triumphs over our dear friend Draco…

Don't be sarky.  You're not _really _talking to me.  I don't like it.  I thought I did tell you?  And you could have even watched if you hadn't been too busy stalking off in the other direction ignoring me.  Anyway, it's not something to be proud of.

Not something to be proud of???  I'm proud of it, and I didn't even do it!  Tell me, did he bleed?  

**If I start talking to you properly again (I didn't realise I'd stopped, but hey), will you tell me?**

Not much blood, but there was a trickle down his forehead…

***sigh* Almost as good as the bouncing ferret…**

Hermione,

            Happy birthday darling!  Our little daughter all grown up… I can't believe you're sixteen!  It seems like just yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital… I do hope that you like all of your presents.  I hope this reaches you in time - we had to go into Diagon Alley especially to borrow an owl.  The whole family sends their love.  I wish that we could see you today, it's so difficult not being able to see you on your birthday – and one as important as this as well!  I hope you have a lovely day, 

                                                Love in abundance,

                                                                        Mum

PS Hermione, now that you are sixteen, I hope you don't get any rash ideas.  Never forget what happened to your Auntie Gretna… Have a lovely day, pumpkin – Dad

PPS Ignore your father.  But don't do anything too stupid… - Mum

PPPS We have also sent presents from all your relatives on, with different owls, so I'm not sure when you'll get them.

Hermione,

            16 at last… I hope you like your present, and you have a lovely day.

                                                                                                                Harry

Hermione,

            I'm going to write a long note on your present, just to prove that I am talking to you properly.  I don't even know why you thought I wasn't, but seeing as it is your birthday, I am going to humour you.  I can't believe that you're sixteen… that's so OLD.  Hehe.  Anyway, I hope that you enjoy your birthday, and don't forget that if the huge pile of sweets is too much for you… I am always here…

                                                                        Ron

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

You may be sixteen,

But we're older than you.

            Many Happy Returns,

                                    Gred and Forge

Hermione!

            Happy happy happy HAPPY birthday!  I'm so excited… I can't believe you're sixteen!  Argh, I'm babbling.  I hope you like the present I got you, I took ages picking it out.  Ron helped, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not…

                        See you at breakfast,

                                                Ginny

Hermione, dear,

            Many happy returns!  I hope that you are settling back into Hogwarts again, and hopefully keeping an eye on Ron and Harry.  Please, please try and get Ron to work harder – he really should do well in his O.W.L.s, and he would if he would just _work_.  Also, could you remind him to write back to me?  I hope that you have a lovely day and like your present.  

            Lots of love,

                        Molly and Arthur Weasley

HERMIONE!!!  OVER HERE!!!  TWO NOTES FOR YOU!!  ON ONE PIECE OF PAPER!!! 

Hermione!  Happy sixteenth!  You realise what this means now, don't you?  You are officially an adult (of sorts) and therefore able to do things we cannot.  Have fun!

                                                                        Parvati

Hermione!  Happy Birthday!  Hope you like the present (sorry it's only one between us… we're still skint from the holidays).  Have a great day, and don't do anything I wouldn't do!

                                                                                                Lavender

Hermione,

            You are sixteen at last!  Many happy returns.  I hope that you like my present – I did take many hours choosing it for you.  It is a pity that you could not visit during the holidays.  Bulgaria was empty without you.  Perhaps, if it is possible, you would like to visit in Christmas?  My new house is very beautiful, and at Christmas, there will be snow all around.  Please write soon, and have a nice day.

                                                Love,

                                                      Viktor

Hermione!  Many happy returns of the day.  Sixteen years old!  And you know what that means… you can play on the MagiLottery!  Hope you like the sugarquills.

                                                Dean and Seamus

Hermione,

            Happy birthday!  Sorry your present isn't much – it was my Gran's birthday yesterday and I spent most of my savings on her.  I hope you like it anyway, and have a lovely day.

                                                            Neville

Hermione,

            Hope you are well – happy birthday!  Come down to my hut tonight at seven (bring Ron and Harry too) and I'll give you my present.

                        Love,

                            Hagrid

Elena,

      I had a lovely birthday, and I got presents from everyone!  I got lots of things from my parents – books, clothes, music (although I can't use that at Hogwarts), sweets – and many things from my family too.  And my friends… well, they have really outdone themselves this year.  Harry got me a book called Great Witches Through History and a chocolate frog; Ron got me a book entitled Everything You Need to Know About House Elves (surprising of him really… he thinks I'm mad with this whole S.P.E.W. thing); Ron's twin brothers got me sweets, although there isn't a chance of me eating them, as they're almost certainly cursed – they want to open a joke shop when they're older; Ginny got me a beautiful hair slide –a jewelled butterfly that actually flaps its wings – which Ron helped to pick out (he gets more and more surprising every day…); Ron's parents (his family are all so generous) gave me a lovely dark purple scarf – hand knitted by his mother – and a birthday cake; Parvati and Lavender got me some enchanted nail varnish – it changes colour to match your outfit – and some Honeydukes chocolate; Dean and Seamus got me sugarquills; Neville got me a lovely little Never Ending Notebook; Hagrid gave me an assortment of his cooking experiments; and Viktor got me a necklace.

What lovely friends I have!  Ron has even kept quiet about my necklace from Viktor – a minor miracle.  Ron has had something against Viktor ever since I went to the Yule Ball with him last year.  With Viktor, that is, not with Ron.  He calls him Vicky, and while I was at Ron's house over the summer, he would make nasty comments every time I got one of his letters.  He's being so nice today!  I can see him glaring at my necklace when he thinks I'm not looking, but as soon as I turn around, he smiles, and he hasn't made one comment about it.  I don't suppose it'll last – he'll probably yell at me tomorrow… and he'll go ballistic if he ever finds the letter – Viktor invited me to stay at Christmas.  I don't know what to tell him… you have to help me.  I don't even know if I want to or not.

Alfonso, eh?  You don't have to worry, I won't say a word.  I'm far too nice.  I don't know why you're upset about him being so nice.  Nice is a _good _thing.  I'd love it if Ron was as calm and nice as that.  He has an awful temper, and he's much too stubborn, so it's great when he's being nice.  

Lorena is stalking her teacher?  That can't be good.  Do everything you possibly can to discourage her.

It's nice of you to worry whether or not Ron is good enough for me.  If it helps, I'll give you a list of his assets.  He's tall (_very _tall), lanky, and has bright red hair and freckles.  He's amazingly stubborn, fiercely loyal and blushes easily.  He has bluey-green eyes (like a storm-tossed ocean) and when he thinks, he sticks his tongue out of the corner of his mouth.  He's very funny, although sometimes he can be a bit _too _sarcastic, and he has an inferiority complex.  A bad one.  It's impossible to get him down on paper.  Really, really impossible.  Argh.

Making Malfoy bleed was _not _a good thing.  No matter how much I may have enjoyed it.  Last time I may have had an excuse – I was overworked, stressed, and he was joking about getting Hagrid fired – but that was still no excuse to smack him.  Even if he did deserve it for calling Hagrid pathetic.  Ron and Harry were just staring at me as though I'd grown a pair of antlers or something… it was that shocking.  I'm not really the type who goes around attacking people.  But I was just so angry… I have to learn to control my temper.

Ahhh… such a lovely day,

                                    Love,

                                         Hermione

* * * * *

Sorry there were so many birthday notes… what can I say?  Hermione's very loved.  Thank you very much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!  You are all brilliant.  I don't know when the next chapter will be out, but hopefully, I can write it next weekend.

bitethepenguin – thank you very much.  You should read the book, it's absolutely great!  Do you like penguins or hate them?  Just wondering… I have a slight obsession with them…

Kaylin – Danke mucho (argh, multilingual!).  Just a question… why do you have socks on your ears???

tempestuous – gracias.  I'm glad you like the Spanish houses… I had hours of fun going through my Spanish dictionary (what a sad life I lead…) and decided whether to use nuts or flowers or birds or whatever, so I'm very happy someone noticed!  *sings*

rock_steady13 – wow again!  You actually went out and bought the book cuz of this fic?  Well, I'm more than honoured.  I can't even think of a word right now.  And I'm also a little worried about your sanity if you think this is better than the original, but hey, not gonna argue.  England is nice… but still, dangerous!  A double-decker bus was hijacked at gun point on Thursday near me, so argh!  And everything is TOO old.  My brother's school was set up like 400 years ago, and I have to walk past a Roman villa on the way to school.  It's odd.  Anyway, I'm moving to USA when I'm older.  Cheaper, and safer.

Melissa – grazi (I wonder how many more languages I can say thank you in…) and R/Hr reign supreme!  I mean, Harry and Hermione's hair colours clash – one of the many reasons they do not suit.

Quidditch, Anyone? – gam sum ni dah!  Badly spelt Korean for thank you… you really should read the book!  You will love it, it's impossible not to.

Until next time…


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Is there anyone here who doesn't realise what fanfic is?  You know… fiction, written by fans, who DO NOT OWN the characters they are writing about?

A/N I'm worn out and slightly stressed out, so many apologies if the chapter turns out to be craptacular.  Oh, and Hermione has been driven to a few more rude words than usual by our most darlingest, most favouritist redheaded fool.  Sorry.  

* * * * *

Dear Hermione,

            Your hair looks shocking today.  It is even frizzier than usual – and we always thought it was physically impossible for hair to stick out at a 90-degree angle from people's heads!  But you, you have proved us wrong.  And what were you thinking with that mini-fringe?  Really, we feel that you are in desperate needs of our services.  Send us an owl sometime.

            Yours,

                   The Director

                   International Department of Hairpieces, Toupees and Wigs 

Dearest, most Darlingest Hermione,

            I am in a sickly sweet mood today, so please, bear with me.  Good to hear you had a nice birthday.  And as for your presents, well… I think you're being spoilt!  I can't believe how many people bought you presents – you never told me you were that popular.  Not that I thought that you were a social retard or anything… I just never realised how many friends you had.  Like Hagrid.  Who's Hagrid?  And Viktor?  What ball?  I get the feeling I really missed something here.  But it sounds like our dear friend Ron is jealous of Viktor…  As in, Viktor has something that Ron wants?  Such as… you?  Just a theory.  Unless Ron has some other reason to hate him.  Like, how do you know Viktor?  Do you go to school with him?  And as for staying with him… well, I don't know really, cuz I don't know who he is, but you certainly don't seem that certain, so that may be a good indication of how you feel.  Tell me more about him and I'll try to help.

Eyes like a storm-tossed ocean?  You have got it really bad… he does sound nice though.  And fiercely loyal too.  He seems to be good enough… but if he gives you any trouble, you just tell me, and I'll set Matthew on him.  He may only be 10 years old, but he is VICIOUS.  Seriously, he went through a phase of biting anyone who came within two foot of him – and he almost always drew blood.  I have scars all the way along both arms to testify to that.  He'll sort Ron out.

Just so you know, I am of the opinion that attacking Malfoy (twice) is an unbelievably good thing.  Humiliating you, calling you a Mudblood, taunting Ron for not having money (as if money or family make you who you are!  The cheek of it!), trying to get Hagrid fired, calling him pathetic… I'm just surprised that you've only hit him twice!  What about Ron and Harry?  Have they hit him?  You said Ron rarely passes up on a chance to hit him… that boy is definitely growing on me!  You can date him if you want.  You have my blessing…

Oh, so many dot-dot-dots.  Teachers are getting fed up of finding them in my essays.  Professor Impaciente says that if she finds one more she will put me straight into detention for a month.  Which, if you ask me, is overreacting just a little bit…  There I go again, dammit.  Anyways…

Nothing much is happening here.  Still haven't managed to make Alfonso mad.  Lorena still insists on following Professor Mono around everywhere.  Jaime managed to string together two sentences in front of a complete stranger yesterday.  Will wonders never cease?

Well, better be going now.  Late night, early morning and whatnot.

            Love and Certain Infuriatingly Nice Boys,

                                                                        Elena

Defence Against the Dark Arts Notes

**So, Hermione, where'd you get the necklace?**

**What, did I hit a sore spot?**

**Is this about Vicky?**

His name is Viktor!

**Oh, sure, stand up for Vicky.**

CALL HIM VIKTOR!!

**Fine.  So, is this necklace from VIKTOR?**

That's none of your business.

So it's none of my business now, is it?  None of my business if one of my best friends is going to go stay with some poncey Quidditch star for Christmas?

What are you talking about?

Don't play innocent.  I've seen the letter.

You READ my LETTER????

I have a right to know.

You have a RIGHT???  You have a right to go snooping around in my belongings and reading my PRIVATE letters??  I don't believe you sometimes.

**Where you ever going to tell us?**

Look, Harry needs you at Christmas!  You can't just go off gallivanting around with… with… that THING.  He goes to DURMSTRANG.  That place is full to the brim of Death Eaters!  They're the enemy!

Viktor is not the enemy!  And besides, he doesn't even go to Durmstrang any more.  He left, remember?  He's 18 years old.

And you're only 15.  He's too old for you.

I'm SIXTEEN, Ron.  Old enough to make my own decisions without you sticking your abnormally large nose into my private business.

Well excuse me for caring.

Hermione,

            That's right, he did just write: 'Excuse me for caring'.  He CARES Hermione.  And what do you do?  You yell at him and insult his nose.  What a lovely friend you are.  He's just worried.  He's under a lot of stress this year.  You are not helping.  Here he is, one of his best friends in mortal danger at every turn, three brothers and both parents at the forefront of the movement against Voldemort, and he's trying to protect you.  You couldn't make it easier for him, could you?  You are a callous bitch.  You do not deserve friends like him.

                                                                                                Yours,

                                                                                                       Guilt Unlimited

Hermione,

            You were in the right.  He read your private letters.  And it wasn't as though it was by accident.  He purposely searched through your belongings and took it out of the envelope and READ IT.  He had no right whatsoever.  And then to try and make you feel guilty by telling you he did it because he CARES?  What a load of crap.  He's a nosey bugger who deserved absolutely everything you said.

                                                            Yours,

                                                                  Support On Demand Ltd

HERMIONE!!!! OVER HERE!!  CONCERNED FRIENDS!!

Hermione, you and Ron are fighting again.  Why?  Tell us, maybe we can help.  Or at least it might make you feel better.

      Love,

            Parvati and Lavender

Parvati and Lavender,

            He searched through my belongings, found a letter from Viktor, read it, and proceeded to have a go at me about it, sticking his nose in where it wasn't wanted.  Bastard.

                                                                                    Love,

                                                                                          Hermione

HERMIONE!!  OVER HERE!!!  SUPPORTIVE NOTE!!!

Hermione, you were completely right.  He shouldn't have done that.  It was wrong.  Sit with us in lessons if you want, so you don't have to sit near him.  We don't mind.  

                                                                        Love,

                                                                              Lavender and Parvati

PS What did the letter from Viktor say?  We won't tell anyone…

Elena,

        It's all a mess.

I'm fighting with Ron again.  About Viktor.  I was right, two days after my birthday, he just went nuts.  He actually searched through my belongings to find the letter.  I really can't believe he would do such a thing.  And then he tells me he only did it because he CARES????  I really can't believe he had the NERVE.  And then he gives me this whole thing about how Harry needs me, and I can't go off gallivanting with 'poncey Quidditch players' (poncey?  Hah!  Viktor Krum is NOT poncey), and the whole spiel about how Viktor's too old for me… it's two years!  Well, two and a half, but still, he has no right!  He makes me so mad.  I really envy you for liking such a sensible, nice boy who would never blow his top like this.  Now why can't I like one like that??  What is wrong with me?  

I'm sorry, it's not fair of me to unload all of my problems on you.  I'll calm down.  Give me a second.

OK, that was more than a second.  Much more like a day.  I've calmed down a bit.  Still haven't forgiven Ron though.  He keeps looking kind of hurt, like a puppy dog, the kind you just want to scream at and, and tell them to get over it and stop looking pathetic, and then maybe kick them.  And tell them that if they ever go through your belongings again you'll have them bloody neutered.  Argh, I'm so angry!  

And as for DATING him?  Hah!  I'd commit homicide within a week!  Forget everything I ever said about him.  I hate him.  Really, really hate him.  Seriously, I will never forgive him.  This is just one step too far.  I'll find new friends.  Lavender and Parvati said that I could sit with them if I wanted.  THEY'D never go through my belongings.  Although they do want to know what Viktor said.  

Viktor.  Now there's a nice, sensible, kind boy, who also happens to like ME.  Why can't I like him?  He's enthusiastic, interested I what I have to say, would never mock me about S.P.E.W. (Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare – want to join?), would never blow up at me like Ron…  So what if he lives in Bulgaria??  

Remember your kind offer of setting your brother on Ron?  If there was ever a time to do that, it is now.  Please, if possible, send him with your next letter.

Once again, I have managed to fill a whole letter with my self-involved ramblings.  I hope all your friends are well, and that you manage to make Alfonso mad soon (or that you realise that liking such a nice boy is a blessing).

                                                                                    Love,

                                                                                          Hermione

Hermione,

            Remember when you borrowed 1001 Nasty Hexes and Curses for Beginners from Ron for some extra reading?  Remember how you used Viktor's letter as a bookmark?  _And then gave the book back to Ron, with the letter still inside?_

            Yours,

                  The Memory Trigger Society

Hermione,

            Ron didn't do anything wrong.  He just found the letter in the book you gave him.  He was trying to _help._  He made an honest mistake.  And you, you yelled at him.  You've been ignoring him for the best part of two days.  You've been making him MISERABLE.  See that look on his face?  That little hurt puppy one that you hate so much?  You put that there.  And look at Harry!  He looks pretty upset too.  Just think, this year isn't easy for him, and he needs help and support from you both.  He doesn't need you to be fighting.  You know what you have to do now, don't' you?  APOLOGISE.  To both of them.  It's the least you can do.

                                                                                    Yours reprovingly,

                                                                                                            Guilt Unlimited

* * * * *

Argh, they're fighting again.  What is wrong with them?  Why can't they just be happy???

fetch – thank you.  Yes, time does move very slowly.  I'm no good at figuring out time.  But it should speed up a teensy bit… I mean, it's September 22nd and there's already been 6 chapters?  Yeah, I think it really should speed up a little bit.

bitethepenguin – thanks *bows* I liked Great Expectations… kinda… well, it was better than any other Dickens I read… But yes!  Go to B&N and buy it!  I love B&Ns… I went to one when I was in America and it was like a HUGE Ottakars… I could so live in a bookshop.  The stuff only seems to show up in bold when I put it in html, but even then it doesn't always work, so I'm not too sure.  England… England… land of the green and scaffolding outside my window.  Whereabouts in England did your mum go?  Ron and Hermione… *sigh*  It just makes sense!  And look, a long reply to your long review…

J. – Danke Shoen (sorry, can't spell German…)

Kaylin – Ooh, what story?  I wanna read stories about people with socks on their ears! Gracias!

Anne – Ah… two Katherines… what mayhem could be caused.  Thank you!

Slipjig66 – Thank you.  I didn't realise that 'Many Happy returns' was just a British thing… but yeah, it's used lots over here.

rock_steady13 – Thank you again!  Yes, I will willingly trade with you after Uni.  *does happydance* Yay!  I made you read the book!  I feel so proud…

Adi – Thanks!  You really must read the book.  An email is on it's way to force you to come back here and read more… mwhahahaha

Quidditch, Anyone? – Thank you again!  *feels very happy* Have you started the book yet?  And I don't think I'll be ending it anytime soon… I really don't think I could stand all that pain at once.

tempestuous – Thank you!  I have attention to detail… *grins stupidly*  Wanna try telling my teachers that?  Please?

Bil – Thank you!  (losing my voice now…) I'm glad you and you're brother both enjoyed it.  Wow… I'm on your faves list… *grins more*

*yawn* I'm tired now.  Next chapter will probably be out next weekend… now I must get back to making my bag!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I have no claim whatsoever to Jimi Mistry.  This saddens me.  I also have no claim to Harry Potter… but Jimi Mistry!  =(

A/N: Hmm… this may be short.  I have to go out in about an hours time, and I would like to be finished (pretty much) by then.  It's not like I'm being distracted by any actual human beings though… *glares*

* * * * *

Miss Granger,

            This is more like it!  You're having girly conversations with Lavender and Parvati like a NORMAL teenager.  We are almost proud of you.  See how NORMAL you can be when you're not around Ron and Harry?  They are not good for you.  They are not NORMAL.  You want to be NORMAL, don't you?  Then sever all ties completely.  They are a bad influence on you.

                                    Yours,

                                           The Association of Teenagers

Hermione,

            Please ignore the AoT.  They have nothing even resembling ethics.  Harry and Ron have been friends with you for four years, you can't just forget them now.  They are your REAL friends.  You know what you should do.  You should apologise.  Apologising can solve everything.  Ron will be happy, Harry will be happy, you will be happy.  Go on… you know you want to.

                                    Love,

                                          Your Conscience

Hermione,

            Remember, way back in you first year, when you had no friends at all.  Remember how Ron pointed this out and made you cry.  But remember how he came to your rescue, too!     Him and Harry came marching in, no thought for themselves… Harry threw himself onto the back onto the back of a mountain troll for you.  And Ron, Ron knocked it out!  They defeated a fully-grown mountain troll, just for you!  Aren't they wonderful?

                                                                                                                                Yours,

                                                                                                                                       Memory Trigger Society

Hermione,

            I'm starting to wish that I went to Hogwarts.  Al that drama… but then, you don't seem to like it too much, do you?  It must get a bit repetitive fighting with Ron ALL the time.  Ever considered fighting with Harry?  You know, just for a change of scenery?

I have one very small question.  Viktor.  The guy who sent you the necklace.  Now, unless I very much misunderstood your crazed ramblings last letter (something that wouldn't be entirely that hard to do), this guy is Viktor KRUM.  Did I misunderstand?  Or did you just casually leave out the fact that someone, who may quite possibly be the BEST Quidditch player in history, invited you to stay with him for Christmas???  Is on good enough terms with you to send you a necklace???  Invited you to a BALL????  I'm having quite a hard time dealing with your star-studded life.  I mean, best friends with The Boy Who Lived (quite feasible, I suppose) and in some kind of love triangle with VIKTOR KRUM??  I think I'm going to have to sit down.

I take back all the nice things I said about Ron.  I can't believe that would do such a thing… he really went through your bag and read your mail?  That is unbelievably low.  I would send you Matthew, but unfortunately (hah!) he's quite some distance away.  I could probably send him to you at Christmas time if you wanted.

Life at IZZ goes on… in fact, absolutely nothing has changed since I last wrote.  Seriously.  NOTHING.  I cannot believe that it is possible to live in such a boring place.  Hmm… what a depressing thought.  I think I'll go and lie down.  It's cold in here, and my duvet is nice and warm.  I'm sure it shouldn't be cold.  It's September, and I'm in Spain.  The sun should be pouring down.  In fact, the sun IS pouring down.  Maybe it's just me.  

Anyway, I hope you and Ron stop fighting for a few days.

                                    Love,

                                         Elena

Ron,

    I am unbelievably sorry.  I realised that I actually GAVE you the letter…

Ron,

    I'm so sorry.  I shouldn't have yelled at you.  It was all my fault…

Ron,

    I cannot write apology letters to save my life…

Ron,

   I should be doing my Ancient Runes translation…

Ron,

    I'm sorry.  I was wrong.  It wasn't your fault.  Please, please forgive me.  Please, please, PLEASE stop looking like an unhappy puppy dog…

Ron,

   I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  If you do, or if you at least think that you can, please meet me by the portrait of the crying girl, near the Charms Corridor at quarter to nine tonight.  If you don't want to forgive me, then, well, don't. 

I'm sorry, I'm really not used to apologising.

                                                                  Love,

                                                                        Hermione

Elena,

      I'm a fool.  A stupid, foolhardy, foolish fool.  Once again, I have underestimated Ron.  You'd think that by now I would have stopped doing that, wouldn't you?  But no… time and time again I jump right in to an argument without even bothering to think about whether I should or not.  Now, if I would just do that, then maybe things like this wouldn't happen.  Or maybe if I was less stubborn.  I hate fighting with him.  I sent him a letter of apology.  Something I have never ever done before, mainly because I can't.  He's sitting on the other side of the Common Room right now, opening it.  I can't see his face though.  As soon as he sat down, he spun his chair around so that he wouldn't have to see me.  I think I've really hurt him this time.  He's not himself at all.  He's all quiet and he does his work.  It's scary.  And Harry looks worse than ever.  He hasn't been looking good at all this year, but this past week… all this fighting is an awful strain on him.  He's retreated into himself.  I haven't seen him smile for three days.  And all this time, I have to pretend to be enjoying myself with Lavender and Parvati, else they'll get offended.  I don't know how more of this I can take.

I'm sorry, I'm in a really depressing mood.  I should lighten up a little.  Ron hasn't torn my letter up into little shreds – he's folded it up and put it in his robe pocket.  So that's something I guess.

Oh, I'm still all bloody depressing.  I think it's partly the weather.  It's rained non-stop for three days – it's like the weather's reflecting my mood, like in Wuthering Heights.  I can't for the life of me remember what it's called.  

Viktor is Viktor Krum.  I don't really like to talk about it much.  At least, not at the moment.  In fact, all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and hibernate.  You have the right idea.  I hope you're not coming down with anything.  Go to your hospital wing, just in case.  I don't want you to get ill.

It's 8 o'clock.  Forty-five minutes until I have to meet Ron to try and apologise.  I'm really not looking forward to it.  I never could apologise.  He never can either.  What a bad combination.  I think I'll go down there and wait for him.  Not like I have anything better to do (although I could write more to you – I don't have anything to say though.  Besides, I'll only infect you with my depression), and sitting here may just drive me insane with suspense.

                                                            Wish me luck,

                                                                        Hermione

* * * * *

Well… that was ever so slightly short and crap.  In my defence, I'm not feeling well, OK?  Plus, I'm worn out.  I couldn't get to sleep after watching Signs… so bloody scary.  Hopefully, next chapter will be less depressing, funnier, and maybe, just maybe, Ron and Hermione will be friends again.  Damned if I know… but I hope so…

Now, for the thanks…in a slightly different (shorter, less time-consuming) format than before.

Many thanks to everyone who reviewed: 

Moonlite

Invader Fi - You know, I've never found anyone who didn't like that book… I'm so jealous…

Aerowynn - I sometimes listen to the Beatles… my parents aren't too keen on them though.  Although my mum did just buy a Beatles CD today… odd.  Why?

SatanicGnomes - *blushes deeply* You must read the book.  And I know!  Not enough R/Hness, they're all H/H.  =( Foolish unenlightened mortals…

Hermione_2000 – I update… *looks proud*  Sam is rather brilliant, isn't he?  He makes me cry… he's just so nice.  And Merry is fantabulous.  And while I've only read one of your fics so far, I certainly think you're a good write, so there.  =P  I've still got loadsa GCSEs at the end of this year.  And I've got my English language in about 6 weeks time.  My school thinks that it's fun to spread the pain.

Adi

Marionette - *smiles stupidly*

tempestuous – yeah, I really wish that I could care about Paul Theroux's self-involved ramblings…yet somehow I care a lot more about HP.  Odd, that.  I have no clue when they'll get together… I haven't a clue what's gonna happen from one chappie to the next… making it up as I go along.  

Kaylin – I wanna read about socks!  Hurry up and post…

Aerial - *likes review*

Ugh, I'm brain-dead, and sleepy, and now I have to go to mass.  Whoopee.  On the bright side, JKR is pregnant and Book 5 may be out in time for Christmas.  Now, I must rejoin the real world, and do all my homework that I left until Sunday night.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I own many, many orange books full of crap about indices and co-ordinates.  I would gladly swap them for the rights to Harry Potter, but, somehow, I don't see this happening.

A/N Hello!  I'm now back, and feeling well again (at least, as well as anyone could possibly be with the amount of coursework I have… six pieces??? Are they TRYING to kill me??)  and so hopefully this chapter will be longer, and better than the last one.  Hopefully…

Dedicated to chocolate… the sweet, cocoa-based product that gets me through the day… 

* * * * *

Hermione,

            Yes, that is what he just said.  This is just what you've been dreaming of, isn't it?  Those little words... Oh… isn't it perfect?  He really did say that.  Ron Weasley truly said: 'I love…'  Now, just wait for him to finish his sentence.  Any second now, Ron Weasley will admit his (very well hidden) feelings for you.  We await developments with anticipation.  We are so happy for you!

                                    Love,

                                         The Young Romance Association

Dear Ms Granger.

            Yes, that is what he just said.  You are not going mad.  He really did just utter those three little words…

"I love butterbeer."

We're sorry, that is exactly what he said.  We could go through the long process of slowing down and speeding up these words so that they really do seep into your brain, but quite frankly, we cannot be bothered.  That's what he said.  Take it or leave it.

            Yours,

                   The Instant Replay Society

Ms Granger,

            WE knew that he wasn't going to say that he loved you.  You knew it too, didn't you?  Even you realise that Ron Weasley will never, ever, not even in a million years notice you.  He doesn't care.  In fact, we don't care either.  Get over it.

       Cold Hard Truth Association

Ms Granger,

            We understand that you are in shock at what Ron said, but you have to say SOMETHING.  Anything.  Except 'Banana hammock'.  For the love of all things prickly, please don't say that.  Say something normal, something that gives the impression that your whole world DIDN'T come crashing down around your ears when you heard the word 'butterbeer'.  Say something witty, something interesting, something that will stun him into wishing that he had said 'you' instead.  Or you could try: 'me too'.  Whichever you prefer.

                                                                                          Yours,

                                                                                                Prompts At Your Service

Elena,

       I can't help but notice that you haven't written in a while.  Three whole days in fact.  Are you okay?  Are you ill?  Have you got too much homework?  Have I inadvertently annoyed you so much that you cannot even bear to write back to me?

I talk about me too much, don't I?  I ramble on and on and on about my life, and how much Ron has annoyed me, or how worried I am about Harry, or how much work I have.  I should listen to you more.  I now resolve to not talk about myself anymore in this letter.  In fact, just to make absolutely sure I don't bore you, I will end this letter right here.  Please write back soon.

                                    Hermione

There are twelve known uses of dragon's blood, all discovered by Albus Dumbledore.  The first, and probably most widely known of these is its ability to 

**Hey 'Mione, going to Hogsmeade on Saturday?**

Ron, this is a timed essay! 

**I know.  Are you going?**

You can't write on my timed essay!

**Why not?**

Because it's a timed essay!!!

**Right.  So, ARE you going?**

Professor Connor is going to notice that you keep grabbing my scroll.

**No she won't, she's too busy reading her Witch's Weekly.  _Are you going to Hogsmeade??_**

Yes, yes I'm going to bloody Hogsmeade.  Can I get on with my essay now?

**Wouldn't you much rather be talking to me?**

No.  This essay is very important.  We have our O.W.L.s in eight months time!  These practice essays are essential.

It's only an essay on dragon's blood.

Dragon's blood is an important part of the curriculum!  We have to know all about it for our Defence Against the Dark Arts exam.

**Yes, but I'm much more interesting, aren't I?**

That's a matter of opinion.

I'm hurt… 

Oh, stop pretending and let me get on with this essay.  Please?

Fine.  But you owe me… 

HERMIONE!!!  OVER HERE!!

We're having a girly sleepover party tonight.  Wanna join?

                                                                                    Lavender

P.S. Noticed you and Ron squabbling today in DADA.  What's going on there?

Lavender,

            We sleep in the same room every night.  So this sleepover party idea is a little odd don't you think?

                                                                                                                                                            Hermione

P.S. We weren't squabbling.  Ron and I are friends again.  He just insisted on writing all over my essay.  Honestly, boys.

HERMIONE!!!  LOOK AT CROOKSHANKS' COLLAR!!  NOTE!!!

Doesn't Crookshanks look adorable?  It was Parvati's idea to put the note on him.  Personally, I think this party thing is inspired.  Are you in or not?

                                    Lavender

Lavender,

            I'd be sleeping in here anyway.  So I'm in, I guess.  Just, please, please don't stay up giggling too late like last time.  We have lessons in the morning.  In fact, wouldn't it be much more sensible to have this party thing on Saturday night after the Hogsmeade trip?

                                                Hermione   

HERMIONE!!

Yes, that would be much more sensible.  Can't think why we never thought of that.  

                                                                                                                        Lavender

Viktor,

       Thank you very much for the present – it was beautiful!  I would love to visit you at Christmas, but unfortunately I don't think that I'll be able to.  I have to work hard for my O.W.L.s, and my parents probably wouldn't let me, and I really should be at Hogwarts.  I've spent Christmas with Ron and Harry every year since I was 12 years old, and it's sort of a tradition.  And Harry really needs his friends this year, even if he won't admit it.  I can't just leave him at Christmas.  I'm really sorry.  It was lovely of you to invite me.

                                                                        Hermione

Elena,

       I'm sorry, I know I said that I wouldn't write to you all about myself again, but I'm dying here.  I have to talk to someone, and you're really the only candidate.  I can't to talk Harry, I definitely can't talk to Ron, Lavender and Parvati are out of the question.  So I'm afraid I really have to talk to you.  

It's about Ron.

Now there's a surprise!  

Remember that I was meant to meet Ron to apologise?  Well, I went along, all went well, we kissed and made up (not like that, so wipe that smirk off your face), then Ron got this odd look on his face.  Almost like… I don't know… like he had a secret.  He started shifting around from one foot to the other, and his face turned purple.  His ears were almost black, and he was making a strange whiney breathing noise.  Then he gave me this strange look, and he opened his mouth, but no words came out.  So we stood there for a while, and then, suddenly, Ron came out with the thing I least expected.  He looked me right in the eye, and said "I love…" and then he just stopped.  My heart skipped a beat, and we just stood there for what seemed like an age.  I really don't think I breathed at all.  I don't know what I must have looked like.  Finally, he said something.  He finished his sentence.  And you know what he said?  You could not in a million years guess what he said, so I won't even give you space to try.  

He said: 'butterbeer'.  BUTTERBEER???  Of all the stupid things he could have said.  He loves butterbeer??  I don't know why I thought he might actually say… well, you know.  In fact, it was pretty stupid to believe that, if even for a second.  I don't know what I was thinking.  But still… butterbeer?  I don't think I will ever understand him.

He's being really nice at the moment.  It's a little odd, but I could probably get used to it.  

Okay, maybe not.  But I'm not complaining!  Well, maybe a little.  When I'm fighting with him, as horrible as it may be sometimes, I'm used to it.  It's normal.  But when he's being this nice… it just throws me.  I haven't a clue what to do half the time.  He's got me so confused.  

I'm worried about you.  Are you okay?  Has anything happened to you?  Are you ill?  Please, even if you don't write a reply, could you at least let me know you're alright?  Just get one of your friends to scrawl a note or something.  I really don't mind.

I miss my sarcasm.  I haven't been sarcastic more than about three times this letter.  Worrying.  Ah well.  Write to me soon.

     Love,

            Hermione

Hermione, dear,

            Your father and I have something very important to tell you.  This may come as a bit of a shock, so you may like to sit down first.  Lie down, even.  Are you comfortable?

 I don't know quite how to tell you this, but…we're pregnant.  Well, I am at least.  In seven months time you're going to have a lovely little brother or sister!  We've just come back from the doctor's and they confirmed it… I've suspected it for quite some time now.  Doctor Yiu says that there are no complications, although I should be careful, as there are more likely to be problems with a woman of my age.  

Just think of it!  Your aging mother is going to have another child!  Are you happy, dear?  They can go in the spare room – I've started looking out for baby accessories in green and yellow.  There was the most adorable little frog baby-grow in Mothercare, but your father wouldn't let me buy it – he said we should wait until the baby's born.  We've been discussing names as well, but once again, your father is being his stubborn, pig-headed self.  He says that if it's a boy, we have to name it Charles, after him, and if it's a girl, we should name it Miriam, after his mother.  Now, I've got nothing against those names… I just don't want to call my baby that.  What do you think of Persephone for a girl?  Or Jason for a boy?  Have you got any ideas?  Oh, we're so excited here.

Hope you're well, and enjoying yourself at school.

                                                            Lots of love and kisses,

                                                                                    Mum and Dad

* * * * *

Dun dun DUN!!!  Right… like that really makes a huge difference to this story.  Oh well.  It could I suppose.  But it's not one of those bloody prophecy babies.  Anyhoo…the butterbeer line is from somewhere, except they actually say 'I love cake'.  Does anyone know where this is from??  Please tell me, it's driving me insane.

And a special prize to anyone who can come up with a realistic, feasible, completely conceivable reason for Percy to write a letter to Hermione.   Of course, seeing as I live in UK, this prize will be sent through the Royal Mail, and therefore will most likely never reach you.  But it's the thought that counts, right?  And bear in mind that I like Percy… a lot.  That's why I want him to have a little cameo.  So be nice!

A massive thank you to everyone who reviewed… hit the big 5-0!!  Yay!  

Thank you to…

J. – Hmm… is there any way I could get that Society into the story?  I'm sure there must be…

bitethepenguin – well, thanks for coming back.  We missed you.  We being… um… ok, just me.

tempestuous – yay!  You like Elena!  I'm being very good with my homework today – I'm doing things that aren't even due in for another week or so.  0_0

EarthWitch-14 – 46 pages??  Is it really that long??  Wow… I'm unbelievably happy that you liked it so much.  I am very proud that I'm making you read the book.  It's fantabulous!  Yes, I have about 9 other fanfics I've written, all on my author's page, but this is probably the longest I've ever written.  =)

AngelGurl – thanks!  I don't think I did do that society… but I don't know, my memory's awful too.  I'll put it in somewhere…

Quidditch, Anyone? – I think this chapter's longer… I can't believe that someone could be so unbelievably cruel as to make you write responses on such a good book.  That's just nasty.  But still, you're lucky to get to read such good books!  My mum's class read Harry Potter when it first came out.  And I get stuck with Macbeth?  So not fair.  Well, except for the Sean Bean part…

Adi – thanks

SatanicGnomes – I would gladly read any newspaper mentioning Ron anywhere… very sad.  And I have updated!  I'm neglecting my maths coursework to do so, so I hope you're happy.  Mrs Kite probably won't be quite so pleased… but hey, I'm sure I can get a good enough mark so that I'm allowed to take it for A-Level…

Splotchy the Missing Spoon – you should reread the book!  But anyway… thank you very much!

Hermione 2000 – you really should read the real thing.  Now!  Unless you've already read it, in which case, you should read it again!  I have a very vague idea where this is going… very vague indeed… Thank you so much for putting me on your website!  Or linking to me…or whatever.  Thank you!!

My hands hurt.  I should never ever become a typist, like Dobby the Tipist.  But you don't need to know that… until next time!  Sorry, if I bored you.


	9. Chapter 9

I updated!!!!!

Disclaimer:  I do not own Harry Potter.  I do not own any Tapdogs troupes.  I do not own Wesley Wyndham-Price (can't spell his name either).  I could go own like this for hours.  I own NOTHING.  Well, except the Spanish people.  

A/N 'I love cake' is from That 70s Show.  Thanks Haz!  I knew you were good for something…  No Percy yet… he's gonna be in the next chapter!.  Also, I believe an apology is in order… cuz there was no chapter last week, I've had maths coursework (transforming seal flippers – I don't think I'll ever look at seals in the same way again), which took up pretty much all of my waking hours, AND my internet isn't working.  Bad things always come in threes… so I'm waiting for a third… 

Dedicated to The Bard, because without his writing of Macbeth, I would never be able to go and see Sean Bean in less than two months.  Mmmm… Beanie goodness…

* * * * *

Ron?

What's this?  Hermione writing a note in a LESSON??  A lesson where you LEARN STUFF???  OK, who are you and what have you done with the real Hermione?

Don't joke about things like that.  I'm worried about Harry.  

Join the club.  He's spent the whole lesson just staring at the chapter about Wizarding Law.  That's not natural.

You really have no sense of when its inappropriate to make jokes, do you?

Excuse me for trying to bring a little light relief into out lives.  HARRY appreciates it.

Yes, I'm sure he does.  Anyway, I think we should try and do something to cheer him up.

Hermione, no offence, but I don't think that much could really cheer him up.  Unless you've somehow come up with a way to bring Cedric back to life and destroy the greatest Dark Wizard for a century.

I know, but we should try _something.  _Otherwise he'll just sit there and brood, and it's a well-known fact that if people are allowed to brood for long enough, they either turn evil, go mad, or start falling in love with their worst enemy.

And I have an inappropriate sense of humour?

I'm not joking, Ron!  Who knows what he's thinking?  He could be blaming himself for last year, he could be worrying about You-Know-Who, he could just be feeling sad and teenagery.  We have to do something to draw him out from his thoughts, if only for a little while.

Ron?

Ron???

I'm thinking.  Give me a minute.

That's a very long minute.

You can't hurry genius.

I have it!

What?

We treat him to something at Hogsmeade!

It took you 7 minutes and 36 seconds to come up with THAT?  And it's still extremely vague.

It's a work in progress.

Well, it's better than nothing I suppose.

Dear Hermione,

            Hello.  I am Alfonso.  Elena is in the bed.  Senora Cicatrizarse is looking after her.  She had a nasty experience with a Mord de Muerte.  I'm sorry, I do not know the English.  She was going to the sick room, but one of them was in a corridor, and she ran, and she now has a bad head.  She hit against the wall.  The Mord de Muerte was no longer there.  Professor Sabio says that he thinks it was not a too bad thing – it was probably just a single one.  Everyone is very terrified though, and no one is alone.  Elena wanted me to write to you to tell you why she has not written.  She wanted me to write what she said, but she is asleep now, and so I am writing.  But she said that she will write soon, when she is allowed to.  She also said not to worry about run (I do not know what she meant), and that it is a beginning.  I hope you understand.  

            Love,

                  Alfonso

Elena,

       I've just got the letter Alfonso sent.  Are you alright??  I'm worried sick over here!  A Mord de Muerte?  I can't be certain, but is that a Death Eater?  A follower of You-Know-Who?  In your school?  I couldn't quite tell from what Alfonso said.  What happened?  Did he attack you?  What was he doing?  What did he look like?  I'm sorry about all the questions, I just can't believe it… a Death Eater in your school?  And your professor isn't worried?  I haven't heard much about Death Eater activity overseas – I thought it was mainly taking place in Britain, but I suppose, now that I think about it, it must be having some effect abroad.  And I suppose, at the Quidditch World Cup there must have been some foreign wizards under the hoods.

That was one of the most terrifying experiences in my life.  All that confusion and panic, stumbling over tents and burnt out campfires in the dark, seeing the floating muggles silhouetted against the night sky, and then losing Ron's brothers and sister.  And Malfoy, he said that they were after people like me.  Muggle-borns.  He said that they were the ones the Death Eaters hated the most, and that if I hung around, they'd get me too.  They'd point their wands at me, and soon I'd be twirling around in the sky, my robes over my head, the hooded figures pointing and jeering.  It was horrible.

Please write back as soon as you possibly can, I want to know if you're alright – I'm worried ragged about you.  Write SOON.  Tell Senora Cicatrizarse that it's imperative that you write to me the second that you get this letter.  I'm sure she'll understand.

            Yours worriedly,

                             Hermione

LAVENDER, YOU ON FOR TONIGHT?

Seamus, I'm not passing your love notes on to Lavender.

AW, PLEASE?

No.

GO ON, I'LL PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR YOU WITH RON.

Excuse me?

I'LL, YOU KNOW, GIVE YOU A GOOD INTRODUCTION.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

OF COURSE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT…WINK.

Seamus, you don't just write 'wink' at the end of sentences.

WELL, HOW ELSE AM I MEANT TO SHOW THAT I'M BEING SNEAKY?

Well, if you were really being sneaky, you wouldn't have to write 'wink' because I'd know that you were being sneaky.

RIGHT.  ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON TO LAVENDER?

If I do, will you stop trying to be sneaky?

MAYBE.  WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?

I'll pass your note to Lavender.  We've been over this already.

OH.  SO WILL YOU PASS THIS ON TO LAVENDER?

_If you stop being sneaky.  _Honestly, why is this concept so confusing to you??

IT'S NOT.  IT'S JUST FUNNY TO WATCH YOU GET ANGRY AT A PIECE OF PAPER.

Oh, hilarious.  Now I'm definitely not passing it on to her.

I'M SORRY… PLEASE?

No.  Go away, I'm trying to take notes.

IF YOU PASS IT TO HER, I WON'T TELL RON THAT YOU WERE STARING AT HIM ALL MORNING OVER YOUR SCRAMBLED EGGS.

I wasn't staring.

OF COURSE YOU WEREN'T… WINK.

_Stop trying to be sneaky!_

AND OF COURSE, I WON'T TELL HIM ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING IN YOUR SLEEP LAST NIGHT…

I wasn't saying anything!

THAT'S NOT WHAT LAVENDER SAYS.

I wasn't!

MAYBE, BUT RON DOESN'T KNOW THAT, DOES HE?

You can't prove anything.

SO?  WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST PASS THE NOTE TO LAVENDER?

Fine.

Hermione,

            You are obvious.  So obvious that SEAMUS has noticed.  Seamus who doesn't even notice when his shoes are on the wrong feet.  Seamus who didn't notice when he singed off half of his eyebrows.  Seriously, this is a major cause for panic.  If Seamus has noticed, then Lavender and Parvati definitely know, and Harry probably does… and probably Dean and Neville… and Ginny and Fred and George…and the teachers!  Oh dear Lord, the teachers know everything!  They must have noticed… your life is over.  Remember, we still have some of the world's top plastic surgeons on standby to transform you into Juanita… and plane tickets to South America… or you could use a portkey!  That costs nothing if you know how to do it.  Just give us the word…

                                                            Yours,

                                                                  Perfect Time To Panic Ltd

Ms Granger,

            The teachers have far more important things to worry about than you.  Do you really think that they care about your boring little 'love life' (and we use the term very loosely)?  You are almost completely insignificant.  In fact, you are COMPLETELY insignificant.  No one cares.  Get over yourself.

                                                                                                Yours,

                                                                                                      Cold Hard Truth Association

Dear Mum and Dad,

            I'm so happy for you!  A little sibling!  That's great!  Do you know if it's going to be a boy or a girl?  Are you going to find out?  How soon until you find out?  Can I come with you?  Do you have an exact date for the baby?  Wow!  I'm so happy!

Do you think they'll be magical?  I don't know what happens in muggle-born families – whether they take after the parents or the siblings… I've heard of both happening – little Colin Creevey's brother is a wizard too, but Harry's mum's sister was completely muggle.  Do you suppose there is any way to find out?  I should go to the library.  I'm sure they would know.

Mum, Persephone and Jason are lovely names, but are you sure that you don't want to get away from whole Greek mythology theme?  And Persephone… well, it's a very pretty name, but it's a bit unusual, don't you think?  Why don't you call them something normal, like Peter or Lucy, or some other perfectly normal name that won't get them mocked at school?

I hope you're all well at home, be sure to get lots of rest, Mum, and remember to stay away from coffee, and under no circumstances must you EVER go near alfalfa sprouts.  Are we quite clear??  Dad, make sure she's careful.  School's fine, lots of work, but we're coping okay.  Well, most of us are.  Certain redheads refuse to take anything seriously… well, anything work related.  Harry isn't too good either, but at least he has an excuse.  

                                                                                                                        Lots of love,

                                                                                                                                    Hermione

_Hermione, why are you so happy today?_

It's nothing, Harry.

_C'mon, it must be something…_

Do you promise to keep it quiet?

_Hermione… if this is another one of those secrets you keep from Ron…_

Oh no, Ron can find out, I'll tell him.

_Okay… I promise?_

My mum's pregnant!

_That's great Hermione!_

Your mum's pregnant???

Ron, don't just grab the paper like that.  Yes, she is pregnant.  The baby's due in about seven months time, and then I'll be a big sister!

Just don't encourage your parents – one is more than enough.

But your family's great… I'd love to have as many siblings as you.

Trust me, you don't - it may seem like fun for a little, but after a while you'd like some piece and quiet.    

Well, I'd still like some other siblings in the house.

_Do you know if it'll be a boy or girl yet?_

I don't.  My parents might – they haven't replied yet.  I kind of hope it's a boy – my mum wants to call the baby Persephone if it's a girl.

No offence, but why would she be so cruel?

She likes Greek mythology.  That's why I'm called Hermione.

She could call the boy Icarus.  Or Poseidon.  Or Zeus.

Please Ron, never ever talk to my mother about baby names.

Hermione!

            Hello!  Long time no write!  Senora Cicatrizarse has finally let me out of her supervision and so once again I am free to do what I please.  Well, as long as I don't get out of this bed. Which does restrict me a little.  In fact, it restricts me a lot – all I can do it read, write and talk.  Sometimes I really wish I was a Muggle, with those funny little machines with the pictures.  Can't for the life of me remember what they're called, we learnt about them in Muggle Studies.  I could really do with one of them right now.

Don't worry about me – I'm fine!  A little embarrassed, but fine.  Okay, maybe a little worried too… as far as I know, Spain was pretty much left out of the war with Voldemort last time, and so a Death Eater, right here in this castle is a really bad thing.  Sure, there were a few attacks and things before, but nothing anywhere near as bad as what it was like in England.  That's why I started running as soon as I saw him.  Other people saw him, but they probably haven't heard all the horror stories I have.  I had an Uncle who was an Auror who used to tell me all sorts of things about the people he captured, and what they had done.  My parents were never too pleased with him though, cuz they didn't think it was the kind of thing you should tell little girls.  He died a few years ago now – a nasty accident with a Cleansweep 5 – but those stories… they were horrible.  So when I saw this hooded man standing about 20ft away from me, I just turned and sprinted as fast as I possibly could, and I was in such a panic, so I wasn't really looking where I was going… and, well, there was a wall… I'm sure you can guess the rest.  So here I am with two black eyes (I hit my nose – Senora Cicatrizarse could clear them up in a minute, but she hasn't) and a jarred arm (she's giving me fizziotherapy or some other Muggle nonsense – honestly, is this woman a witch or what??).  And I'm still recovering from a bout of the flu – the reason I was coming down here in the first place.  So that is why I've not written for a while (in case you couldn't tell from Alfonso's hasty scribble).  We're learning English in Foreign Studies at the moment (this penpal scheme's meant to help us), which Alfonso absolutely loves – he was delighted when I suggested that he write to you for me.  Since I already speak English, Professor Plasta has set me the task of 'increasing my vocabulary', which basically means reading the dictionary.  So I now know what someone means when they talk about the quiddity of a quixotic fopdoodle.  In case you're wondering, it's the essence of a naively idealistic insignificant fool.  Which would probably be his naively idealistic insignificant foolishness, but hey, that doesn't matter.  I'm learning long words!

I have so many of your letters to reply to… give me a sec, I'll go through them again.

Okay, 4 in total…well, I'll start from the beginning.  Why did you suddenly decide to forgive Ron?  I didn't understand that.  But I'm kind of glad you did.  I don't like it when you two are fighting, cuz, well, I just don't like it when people fight.  It's not nice.  But if you two didn't fight, you wouldn't have such interesting making up scenes… BUTTERBEER???  That boy is bloody ODD.  But it is kinda cute that he tried to say it… I don't care what you think, I really do think he wanted to say 'you', but you've gotta admit, it is scary.  I mean, what if you laughed in his face?  I know you wouldn't, but he doesn't know that does he?  Why don't you try?  I mean, the boy CLEARLY likes you.  I can tell that from hundreds of miles away, so I really don't know how you still seem to be almost completely oblivious.  You two are HOPELESS.  Really, cupid himself would have trouble with you.  I don't even stand a chance.

I was going to go to the World Cup.  Had tickets and all, but mum wouldn't let me, in case the match overran and I missed the start of the school term.  I was SO annoyed.  But actually kinda glad now.

Eurgh, I have to do an essay on International Magical Co-operation, and I don't know a thing about it.  I don't suppose that you, like, have a font of knowledge about it, do you?  You're smart, right?  Please, please, PLEASE help me.  
                                                Yours in desperation,

                                                                              Elena

* * * * *

Hmm… has anyone else ever noticed how often socks are mentioned in the books?  You know, they probably play some pivotal part… or not.  But it'd be nice if they did.

Once again, I'm SO sorry for the lack of update, my computer's only just been fixed by BT today, so I'm finally able to post this bloody chapter.  It's been ready ages, really it has.  Stupid computer.  Oh, my cousin just had a baby today… not relevant, but yay anyway!  And this chapter IS longer than usual… I think…and there're too many letter letters.  And it's a little shite and clichéd.  But it exists.  So yay.  But sorry too.  Please forgive me?

Massive thanks (and sorry for being late) to:

Hermione – I'm glad you like it so much!  A little staggered, but happy all the same =)  I wrote more, I really hope you didn't go insane…

Splotchy the Missing Spoon – No, I can't wait for you to be king either… and this one's longer!  The counter thingy says so.

SatanicGnomes – Love the idea… you mean Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter?  He's such a fool… and I like your society too, and I wanna put it in, but I get the feeling that Ron, Harry AND Hermione would kill me, and the turtle probably wouldn't be too pleased either… and I'm so sorry for not updating, I had coursework, then right after my internet just STOPPED.  Gah. 

Starling – Oooh… lots of reviews!  You could always borrow the Memory Trigger Society… I'm sure Ms Granger wouldn't mind.  Starry starry night… Vincent is the saddest song ever =(

Luisa – I kept writing…

tempestuous – Fictional characters?  Whaddaya mean fictional???  Embarrassing stuff about Ron?  Always a good thing.

Marionette – Yeah, he was a cutie… but cuter in the books.  Chris Rankin (or whatever) didn't have the glasses!  He needs the Wesley glasses, dammit.

Adi – Please feel free to suggest as many names as you like =)  I need names!  At the moment I quite like Alexander (like the Great) for a boy… but suggest!  Suggest lots!

Kaylin – Socks!  They're everywhere in Harry Potter.  I bet he, like, beats Voldie with socks.  Or Voldie'sHermio secret weapon is socks… anyway, I may be sleep deprived too…

bitethepenguin – don't hurt Ron!  Okay, maybe just a little bit.  Foolish boy.  And yes, do write more!  You may have already by now…but hey, write more!

Quidditch, Anyone? – 98%  isn't that, like, amazingly good?  Ron…*sigh* so charming in his own way…

Hermione 2000 – 9th!!  I so need to get tickets, like NOW, dammit.

reila robyn – you didn't die, did you?  Please say you didn't die.  Or catch fire.  Or walk in front of anything by accident…

Kirjava – I live in London.  Well, London suburbs.  FUN… *cough*

Aerowynn – My parents like Carole King… actually, so do I… but they don't like the Beatles!  Mad!  I've been listening to the soundtrack to A Hard Day's Night for like two weeks now… SO good.  Especially I Cry Instead.

J. – I apologise humbly for insulting your gender (although some of you act like idiots a lot of the time).  But the line was from That 70s Show, and I just thought the look on Hermione's face was funny… so, yeah.  And Ron is like a law unto his own, cuz, I mean look how he acted at the Yule Ball… he's not great at expressing himself… anyway, defending myself over…You read my whole profile?  Jeez, you were REALLY bored.  And that story may take some time… I have a HELLUVA lot of coursework.

EarthWitch-14 – Um… I don't know what you should write about… something to do with Ron!  Ron's always good!

pippins-gal – yes, you're great, go you.  Geography… lotsa walking.  But you knew that.  And if you can come up with a decent reason for Draco or Snape to be involved, then sure, I'll put 'em in.  Maybe.  Although you did poke me all afternoon…

Now to let my little brother on.  Brat.  


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: 1) a renunciation of any claim to or connection with; 2) disavowal; 3) a statement made to save one's own ass.
    
    So… I haven't been watching Dogma again… anyway, sorry this was a bit (okay, a lot) late – we just got ntl broadband, and they're ever so slightly incompetent, so it took us like 3 days to get on the internet.  And also, I have a GCSE in about 2 weeks, and it's one which I need to pass to take even the most basic of university courses.  And I have attention span issues.  So my updates may not be as regular until the teachers abolish GCSEs and give up with the whole coursework idea.  Oh, and sorry if the **bold **and stuff doesn't work again.  Stupid bold.
    
    * * * * *
    
    Ms Granger,
    
                   It has come to our attention that once again, you are staring at Mr Weasley.  And it's not as if you're being subtle about it.  Oh no, you couldn't peer through eyeholes in a newspaper, could you?  Or look over the top of your homework?  Or even just glance periodically and then turn back to your work.  Of course not – your eyes bug, your mouth drops open, and you stare into space like some kind of sick bastardisation of a zombie.  We despair.  PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, GIRL!!!  You realise that if he looks up, he will see you, and God knows what he'll think then.  Oh, if we smoked, we would be having a cigarette right now.
    
    Close your mouth, _try _and make your eyes look normal, and for goodness' sake, get on with your homework.  You still have at least 8 inches to write on your chosen Dragon species (the Antipodean Opaleye – you couldn't have picked one with a _little _bit more written about it, could you?)
    
    And for heaven's sake, wash behind those ears.
    
                                                                 Yours naggingly,
    
                                                                                It's For Your Own Good PLC
    
    Hermione,
    
                   Did Ron just blush?  He did, didn't he?  When you looked up and saw him staring at you… or possibly staring at the wall… but most likely you, right?  Why would he blush if you'd just caught him staring at a wall, huh?  He wouldn't, therefore he is clearly staring at you.  It makes sense!  
    
                                                                                                Yours dreamily,
    
                                                                                                               Wishful Thinking Inc
    
    Elena,
    
         I'm so glad you're alright.  Really, really, really, REALLY glad.  There are not enough reallys in this world to express my gladness fully.  See?  I'm rambling.  I only ramble when I'm nervous.  Or fervent.  Or embarrassed.  Or nervous.  Wait, I already said nervous, didn't I?
    
    I'm sorry.  Ron keeps looking at me oddly (don't even think it), and it's a little… distracting.  He looks up, then, of course, I look up, and then we're both looking up, and there's this whole mess of looking upness, and, you know, his eyes are very blue.  I mean, VERY blue.  Blue like a blue sky on a beautiful day when the sky is always stereotypically blue.  Blue like the ocean always is in Disney movies.  Well, it goes more greeny when there's a storm, like in The Little Mermaid, when she saves Eric.  Is Eric even his name?  I don't know, I haven't seen that film in ages.  Have you?  No, you probably haven't.  Do wizards even have Disney?
    
    Argh!  He's got me all in a tizzy.  I should take deep breaths, and count slowly backwards from ten in Mandarin Chinese or something.
    
    I don't speak Mandarin Chinese.
    
    Damn.
    
    Okay, I'm all calm now.  I can reply to your letter, and he will not distract me at all, as I'm in the library now.  He'll never follow me in here.  Right… where was I?  I hope you don't think I'm rude, but I don't really want to talk about Death Eaters.  Unless you really need to talk about them.  But otherwise, I'd rather not think about them right now.  I know ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, but it tends to make you less paranoid.  In my experience at least.
    
    I didn't just suddenly decide to forgive Ron.  He did nothing wrong.  I'm sure I told you that… I gave him the letter by accident.  That seems an age ago.  It's not really though, is it?  
    
    I don't know much about International Magical Co-operation, but Ron's brother knows loads – he works for that department in the Ministry of Magic.  I could get Ron to write to him and ask, if you're really desperate.  When's the essay due in?
    
    Sorry, this is short, sorry I didn't answer all your questions.  Hope you're all well – I have to finish my essay on the Antipodean Opaleye.  This may take some time.
    
    While I remember, thank Alfonso for writing.  It was nice to hear from him.  And he sounds lovely, and I don't see why you don't like his niceness.  But don't tell him the last part.  Unless you want to…
    
                                                                                                                              Lots of Love
    
                                                                                                                                              Hermione
    
    Library Notes
    
    **Fine, I'll write a note to you then.**
    
    Sorry Ron, but you can't just barge into the library and talk that loudly.  It's your own fault that Madam Pince was glaring at you.
    
    **Stupid old bag.  I wasn't that loud.  And anyway, it's important.**
    
    Don't call her a stupid old bag.  And can't it wait?  I still have six inches more to write on my chosen dragon.
    
    **You're doing better than me, I haven't started yet.  And no, it can't wait.  We have to plan Harry's surprise!**
    
    Ron!  We have a three-foot long essay due in on Monday, and you haven't started it yet?
    
    **It's only Thursday, I've got all weekend.**
    
    But we're going to Hogsmeade on Saturday, and you know you'll spend the whole of Sunday eating everything you bought at Honeydukes.
    
    **I'll find time.  Now, back to Harry's surprise… any ideas? ** 
    
    This is _your _harebrained scheme – _you _come up with ideas.  I'm doing my essay.
    
    **Y'know, it was your idea to do something to cheer Harry up, so technically, it's YOUR 'harebrained' scheme.**
    
    Fine.  Why don't we… take him for a butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks?
    
    **Yeah, cuz we've never done THAT before.**
    
    You think of something better then.
    
    **We treat him to something from Zonko's?**
    
    Boring.  We need something… unusual.
    
    **I have it!**
    
    Keep your voice down!  You're not meant to yell out like that in the library, no matter how happy you are.  What've you got?
    
    **Sometimes I scare even myself with my brilliance.  We talk to Dumbledore, write to Snuffles, and arrange to meet him in Hogsmeade!**
    
    Sometimes you scare me too.  That's actually a really good idea.  If it works.
    
    **What do you mean 'if it works'?**
    
    Well, dragging an escaped convict halfway across the world he's currently trying to save, and putting him in an environment filled with wizards, who, if they recognise him, would probably curse him on sight.  Or run.
    
    **For a smart witch, you really are a bit stupid.**
    
    I am not stupid!
    
    **Of course not… but let me pick apart your problems.  Or something.  Snuffles is currently residing somewhere in Northumberland with our dear friend Professor Lupin; if we talk to Dumbledore first, he can probably sort everything out; and did you really think that my idea involved placing Snuffles in the middle of an angry mob of wizards?  We'd meet him outside town, he'd look like Snuffles, there'd be no danger.**
    
    Oh.  Right.  Do you want to speak to Dumbledore or should I?
    
    **Maybe you should.  You're more… sensible looking.**
    
    Sensible looking?? What's that supposed to mean?
    
    **Exactly what I said.  You look more sensible.  He'll listen to you.**
    
    Oh.
    
    Ron?
    
    **What?**
    
    Can I ask a favour?
    
    **If you must.**
    
    It's my penpal.  She's having homework problems.
    
    **You're still writing to her?  What have her homework problems got to do with me?**
    
    Of course I'm still writing to her.  She's got an essay on International Magical Co-operation, and I was wondering if you would write to Percy and ask if he'd help her a bit…
    
    **You want me to write to Perfect Percy?**
    
    Well, yes.
    
    **Can't you write to him?  He likes you, you both like books.  And stuff like that.**
    
    I could, but you're his brother.  Don't you write to him anyway?
    
    **Not really.**
    
    Fine.  I'll write to him.  But you have to write to Snuffles.
    
    **But I'm no good at writing letters.**
    
    Of course you are!
    
    **Well, I don't like writing letters.  How's about I go see Dumbledore, and you write both letters?**
    
    Why don't you want to write letters?
    
    **No reason.  I just don't like writing them.**
    
    Fine.  You go speak to Dumbledore, and the letters are all mine.  Wuss.
    
    **OI!**
    
    Ms Granger,
    
                   You know, that almost constitutes as flirting.  Almost.  And you know who flirts?  TEENAGERS.  This is a step in the right direction.  But only a very small step.  A miniscule step.  More of a shuffle really.  
    
    Actually, now that we think about it, that attempt at flirting was pretty pathetic.  In fact, it sounded a lot like you just insulting him.  This won't do.  Get back in your cupboard where you belong and leave living to teenagers.  REAL teenagers.
    
                   Yours scathingly,
    
                                   The Association of Teenagers
    
    Dear Percy,
    
                   I'm sorry to trouble you, but I was wondering if you could help me.  A friend of mine has a project on International Magical Co-operation, and she doesn't know what to write about.  Is there any chance you could send me some bumf on it to me, so I could pass it on to her?
    
    Sorry to bother you, hope you are all well.
    
                                                                 Yours,
    
                                                                       Hermione Granger
    
    Dear Snuffles,
    
                   What I am about to tell you, you must not write to Harry about.  You see, we're trying to cheer him up, and so we're hoping that you might be able to meet us in Hogsmeade.  I don't know if Dumbledore told you anything about this, Ron said he didn't while he was there, but I don't know.  
    
    The plan is this: you (and Professor Lupin, if he's free) meet us at the end of the road out of Hogwarts (past Dervish and Banges, same as where we met you last time) at twelve noon on Saturday.  Then we all talk, Harry smiles and laughs, and everyone's happy.  Then we might have a picnic.
    
    Please send your reply as soon as possible, and _not a word to Harry._
    
                                                                                                       Reply soon,
    
                                                                                                               Hermione
    
    Dear Ms Granger,
    
                   Those letters to Percy and Sirius were really wonderful.  Very imaginative and perfectly structured.  No, really, you should be, like, a writer or something.
    
                                                                 Yours,
    
                                                                       The Society of Talented and Interesting Correspondents
    
    HERMIONE!!  OVER HERE!!!  THE ONE WITH THE NOTE ON IT!!!
    
    So, do you want to get the butterbeer or the party snacks?
    
                                                                                       Lavender
    
    Lavender,
    
               What in heaven's name are you talking about?
    
                                                                                Hermione
    
    HERMIONE!!!!  LOOK AT THIS!!!!!
    
    I'm talking about our little party Saturday night.  Butter beer or party snacks?
    
                                                                                                                     Lavender
    
    Lavender,
    
              You've still got your heart set on this party thing?  I'll get party snacks, if I have time.
    
                                                                                                                                              Hermione
    
    THE NOTE!!! LOOK AT THE NOTE, HERMIONE!!!!
    
    Of course I've got my heart set on it.  Don't get Fizzing Whizzbees – Parvati's allergic.
    
                                                                                                                                     Lavender
    
    * * * * *
    
    Sorry, that may be a bit short, but it's got societies in there – happy?  Also, I don't know quite what's happening to the storyline, it appears to have veered off into NonsenseLand.  Ah well.  Sorry for any spelling mistakes I missed, too.
    
    Thank yous to:
    
    Hermione 2000 – Mmmm… Seamus.  He just makes me laugh.  Go you for converting your friend!  One day we'll have them all… mwhahahaha.  
    
    Kaylin – Sure, Icarus is kinda a cool name, but, well, if you call your kid that, there's a slight chance they'd get beaten up in the playground.  My mum knows a kid called Che Guevara.  Haha.  And he goes to a private school… odd.  Socks!
    
    tempestuous – idyllic Spain… does that remind you of oranges?  Just wondering… Hmm…
    
    milliniumgirl9
    
    SatanicGnomes – So many YAYs!  *scared* Sorry about the strangeness of the Death Eater thing.  Um… they're… repressing?  I thought I imagined that part of your review, cuz I couldn't remember who said it, and I thought I'd finally lost my mind… =cS  Hah, brainwashed… mwhahahaha.  Sorry it's late.  Love the quote!  Will brandish it at H/Hr shippers etc
    
    Quidditch, Anyone? – Alfonso is nice… unless he's really a Death Eater in disguise… *shifty eyes* …but he's not.  So… yeah.  Well, I'd kill for a 98%.  But I did get a 96% once… *sighs and gets dreamy look on face* but that was an argumentative essay, and, well, I can argue.  Heh heh.
    
    Splotchy the Missing Spoon – Of course you'll be king… *backs away slowly, knocking over coconuts… bugger*
    
    reila robyn – Queen of the Opera Singing Sporks is good… and so is the fact that all of your limbs are intact.  That's always a good thing.  
    
    J. – That is very scary… I put in more societies – 4 I think.  I dunno, count if you want.  And sorry about the spelling – my mum would be itching for her red correcting pen if she read it (she's a teacher…).  Of course, I could always blame it on Ron's spelling… but that wouldn't be fair.  Poor Ron.  Sure, girls still love you all.  But still… You should write a fanfic about Ron.  He's the bestest.  And plus, maybe you stand more chance of fathoming out his head (no sense… bugger) than us girls.  And redheads are the best!  No such thing as too Dutch.  Tell us your name, dammit.  *smiles sweetly*
    
    Aerial – So what language do you speak?  Sorry, nosey.  I get points!  Yay!
    
    bitethepenguin – Find it!  Go on… and sorry this chapter's short AND late.  Oops.
    
    pippins-gal – Yes, I am well aware of the fact that you know me in RL.  Dumbass.  And I'll think about putting them in.  Maybe.  Depends.  You'll have to be very good for the rest of term.  And no mocking me…
    
    Silvertongue – I'm honoured.  Really, really honoured.  And I'll try and keep it alive, and water it and give it lots of fish food etc.
    
    Marionette – He can't be a sexy bookworm without his glasses, dammit *glares at… someone* Hmmm… they may never figure it out.  But I'm guessing they will.  Sometime.  The question is… when? *spooky music*
    
    Aerowynn – Yes, socks are good… duct tape?  Right… Monty Python!  Why do all Americans, when you say you're English, ask 'Oh, like Monty Python?' and say Python like Pahtahrn?  That's always puzzled me…


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: Still hers, dammit.  
    
    A/N: Sorry last chapter's formatting was buggered up – I tried to fix it about 17 times, but it won't change!  I'll try again once this chapter's well and truly posted.  Dunno when next chapter will be up cuz I have English Language GCSE on the 11th and 14th, and so will probably lots of time revising/practicing/panicking about those cuz I need to pass them, or else no uni, and goodbye PhD.  And lets not forget the history, physics, biology and geography coursework, which I will have to spend most of my waking hours on… I really hate school sometimes.  Oh, and Rosmerta is a fertility goddess, possibly Celtic, so that's why that's the name, and it's nothing to do with Hogsmeade pub… or is it…?  No, it's not.
    
    * * * * *
    
    Dear Ms Granger,
    
                   You are one of the best members our society has ever seen!  You have exactly three hours in which to write a foot-long Charms essay on Controlling the Weather, a foot-long Potions essay on Healing Potions, a TWO-foot-long essay on The Rise and Fall of Grindelwald AND revise for an extremely important Transfiguration exam.  You know, this one counts for your O.W.L.s, too.  25% of your final mark is based on your ability to turn a chest of drawers into a Diricawl.  This is simply amazing!  We applaud you.  We bow down to your superiority.  We cannot believe that you are so good at this!
    
                   Yours in awe,
    
                          The Manager
    
                          Society of People Who Are Definitely Going to Fail Their O.W.L.s (and Most Probably Life as Well!!)
    
    **Hermione, did you write to them?**
    
    What?
    
    **Did you write to Sirius and Lupin?**
    
    Of course.
    
    **Good.  What did they say?**
    
    Nothing yet.
    
    **But… it's Friday night!  They're not going to reply in time!**
    
    Of course they will, stop panicking.  That poor owl's got to fly 100, maybe 200 miles, possibly even 300, I'm not too sure whereabouts exactly Hogwarts is.  It's a long way for a little owl, but it'll get back soon.
    
    **Of course, the 'poor little owl'… gonna start campaigning for owl rights too, now?  S.P.O.O.N.?  Society for the Protection of Owls and Other Night-birds?  **
    
    Shut _up, _Ron.  I was just saying that we can't expect the owl to make the whole journey this quickly.  It'll probably get back sometime tonight.  And besides, we _do _rely on owls a bit too much – we can't expect them to fly everywhere so quickly, and the size of some of the parcels that wizards tie to them… it's awful.
    
    **Oh bloody hell… why did I even mention it??  There is no way in hell I'm going to be bloody treasurer again – I'd rather keep a Nundu as a pet… I'd rather sleep under a Lethifold… hell, I'd rather have a conversation with bloody Lockhart.**
    
    _I'm not going to start an owl protection group!  _Especially not one with such a stupid name as S.P.O.O.N.  And it's not as if you ever _do _anything in your role as a treasurer – you never even go to the S.P.E.W. meetings, and I don't think I've ever seen you wear the badge.
    
    **That's because I don't want to wear a badge with spew emblazoned on the front of it!  Really, it's like an invitation.  And not a good one…And I thought S.P.O.O.N. was quite a clever acronym… I was proud of that.**
    
    S-P-E-W!!  Stop calling it spew!  And spoon might be funny, but you can't expect to be taken seriously with a name like that.
    
    **Whereas spew adds a real touch of elegance and sophistication…**
    
    Oh, shut up.  I'll tell you when I get the letter, but for now, I have to read up about Erklings.
    
    **Fine.  Maybe I'll go and read about Erklings too.**
    
    Ms Granger,
    
                   Well done you!  That could have turned into a nasty fight, but you… you kept your cool and didn't rise to his taunts and provocations.  Well, not much.  We are proud, and also a little astonished to offer you a membership to our distinguished society.  Please think our offer over and respond as soon as possible.
    
                                                                                                                              Yours,
    
                                                                                                                              Peacekeepers Unite
    
    Hermione, dear,
    
                   I don't know what happens in Muggle-born families, but I've been reading 'What to Expect When You're Expecting a Wizard' by Rosmerta Mulvaney  (Ronald's mother recommended it - she really is very nice, we're going to theirs for dinner next Wednesday) and it hasn't mentioned it yet.  Please do check your library, I think it really would be quite useful to know…
    
    I have been thinking about leaving behind Greek mythology… I've found some lovely names in Norse and Celtic mythology – what about Tyr or Woden for a boy, and Niamh for a girl?  Or, back to Greek, Hera and Athena are lovely names, too.  We have a long time to decide still.
    
    We don't know whether it's a boy or girl – your father and I don't want to find out until the baby's born.  
    
    Hope you are well and coping with all your work – remember, this is a very important year – have you given any thoughts to what career path you would like to take?
    
                                                                                Lots of love,
    
                                                                                                Mum and Dad
    
    PS I've gotten rid of all coffee, alfalfa sprouts etc, just as you said.  There's no nice food left in the house now… keep working hard, pumpkin, and don't let the bastards get you down! – Dad 
    
    Dear Miss Granger,
    
                   Perhaps you didn't hear us the first few times.  Perhaps we have not been saying it loud enough.  Or perhaps you have just not being paying attention to us.  So, for our benefit and yours, we will say it again: Find a cupboard, climb in, make yourself comfortable, and stay there until your teenage years are over.
    
    Do not ignore this.
    
                   Yours menacingly,
    
                                   The Association of Teenagers
    
    Hermione,
    
                   Calm.  You do not need to speak Mandarin Chinese.  Everything will be alright.  Take deep breaths.  Ron's eyes may be blue, but we won't let them beat us, dammit.  We will prevail!
    
    I'm not going to say a thing about Ron looking at you oddly.  I'm just going to sit here and grin in a superior fashion and let you imagine what I'm grinning about.  Can you guess?  Of course you can.  Think about it… I'm right, yet again.  It's a burden, sure, but I manage.
    
    What's Disney?  Little Mermaid?  Eric?  Is this one of those weird Muggle things?  Cuz if it is, I should tell you that I know next to nothing about Muggles.  Really.  Alfonso's a Muggleborn and he's always trying to teach me more about them – he's always on about something called 'futbol'.  I think that's in Spanish, I don't know what it is in English.  As far as I can make out, this is a sport that consists of twenty-two overgrown boys chasing a pig's bladder around a patch of grass.  They try and kick it into big nets or something… it sounds boring anyway, I mean, no one even flies!  And there's only one ball!  I really don't see the attraction.  He keeps talking about Real Madrid, especially some player called Ronaldo… I tune out after a while, because I can't understand a word he's saying.  At least when he talks about los Mirlos de Madrid I stand a chance – Quidditch makes so much more _sense_!
    
    I would love you forever if you got Ron to write to his brother!  It's not due in for about a month, but I have to do well cuz I failed the last project and I need to make good marks on this one or else I might get a letter home, which would mean a howler, which would mean the whole school staring and laughing at me… so I'd really appreciate any help I can get.  Any help.  ANY.
    
    Alfonso says it was a pleasure and an honour to write to the friend of the person who turned Carlos Enojoso paisley.  He still adores Ron for that… can't say that I blame him.  That picture is just about all that keeps me sane when Enojoso's being his prattish self… he takes the piss out of Alfonso just cuz he does well at school – I mean, why??  He's just jealous cuz Alfonso's a gazillion times smarter than him.  Hell, a COCKROACH is a gazillion times smarter than Enojoso!  He's just amazingly jealous cuz Alfonso's nicer, funnier, much more charming, better looking, AND he has real friends.  No one in their right mind would ever really like Enojoso, the two-faced little git.  The things he does… 
    
    I'm getting carried away.  I have to go and try to start making decisions on what O.R.O.s I'm going to take.  Which is so stupid I can't even put it into words – we haven't even taken our bloody E.J.O.T.E.s yet!  Stupid school, making us decide the rest of our lives at fifteen.
    
    Hope all is well with you.
    
                                   Love and Too many choices,
    
                                                                               Elena
    
    Ms Granger,
    
                   You hear that?  Elena's already deciding on what O.R.O.s to take – don't you think you should start thinking about N.E.W.T.s?  And do you even have any idea what you want to do for the rest of your life?  These things don't just sort out themselves, you know!  You have to make the right decisions now, or else your whole life will go down the drain along with all your hopes, dreams and ambitions.  And you don't want that to happen now, do you?  So pull your act together young lady!
    
    And you _still _haven't washed behind those ears, have you?
    
                                                                 Yours naggingly,
    
                                                                                It's For Your Own Good PLC
    
    Hermione,
    
                   Yes, Professor Dumbledore did write to me about it, and I'd be delighted to come!  Moony says he'd be 'positively delighted to attend' (nonce… he's just trying to sound smart) so the both of us'll see you there, at twelve noon on the dot (anal retentive Moony… you gotta love him) and we'll bring oodles of goodies
    
    Do you really think I would tell Harry about this?  I have _some _experience of being secretive.  I'm a _Marauder_.  Honestly, what to they teach you kids these days?
    
                                                                        See you soon,
    
                                                                                       Snuffles
    
    HERMIONE!!!  OVER HERE, MY DARLING!!
    
    _Don't forget _the party snacks.  We're counting on you.
    
                                                                                    Parvati
    
    Parvati,
    
            Don't be so melodramatic.  A) I won't forget them, b) even if I do, it doesn't matter!  It'll be just fine without them, it's only a silly sleepover.  In the room where we always sleep, I might add.
    
                                                                                                                Hermione
    
    HERMIONE!!  LOOK BEHIND THE BOOK!!!
    
    It's _not _silly.  And I'm _not _melodramatic either.  Don't let us down… we know where you live.
    
                                                                                                                                                    Parvati
    
    Parvati,
    
            Now you're just being plain ridiculous.
    
                                                                 Hermione
    
    * * * * *
    
    This is short cuz I've spent most of my spare time on coursework, and, oh yes, panicking about the incredibly important exam I have in less than 12 hours!!  My English Language GCSE!!  That's the equivalent of an O.W.L. for all those who are fortunate enough to not have to take them.  Oh and the title of Hermione's mum's book is a spoonerism of What to Really Expect When You're A Wizard Expecting (story id is 268297 – go read!)
    
    Massive thank you hugs to:
    
    Hermione 2000 – I know, format was stupid.  Sorry.  I hope your nail's okay… wasn't the movie so great???
    
    Senna – Different… hmm… =)
    
    SatanicGnomes – I know!  Life without Disney would not be life at all, just a mere shadow.  Pure brilliance?  Thanks… and please, please, PLEASE curse my GCSEs!  But not me as I take them…
    
    Splotchy the Missing Spoon – Yes you scare me, very much.
    
    bitethepenguin – you bought the book!  Wahoo!  Yeah, it's a bit odd to ask about Monty python, but hey… at least it's funny!  
    
    Angelgurl – Sorry about the format…
    
    Kaylin – yes, I got Percy in… he looks very cute with bedhead in the film… mm… 
    
    Adi – Thanks for the names… I nicked a few, as you can see, and will probably nick more later… and I have absolutely no idea what an umlout is.  =) 
    
    Reila, Queen of the Opera Singing Sporks – I continued soonish… is that okay for you?
    
    tempestuous – You know what's really insanely adorable?  Rupert Grint.  I can't believe I didn't notice before!
    
    J. – 100!  Woohoo!  English is a very weird language, and you have way too much math.
    
    Quidditch, Anyone? – Bridget Jones!  Colin Firth…mmm… and Ronliness, yay also.  And I think I told you in a review, but in case I didn't a fringe is bangs.  Why?
    
    Marionette – they'll figure it out eventually… have you seen the film?  Percy has bedhead!  Mmm…
    
    fetch – Finally!  Sorry about format, will fix…
    
    lordoftheringsfanatic – LOTR!!  Woohoo!
    
    Aerial – I'm confused too.  *cries as well* I need sleep.  And also chocolate.
    
    Kirjava – I'll try and put that society in… somewhere… sometime…
    
    Now, off to bed to toss and turn and panic about messing up my exam!  Yay!


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer:  JKR owns Harry Potter.  Plagiarism is fun.
    
    A/N: Sorry if the format is STILL buggered up.  I will try and upload an un-buggered version at the library when I have time.  Until then, try Quidditch, Anyone?'s idea of copying and pasting this sorry excuse for a formatted story into a Word document.  If any of you know how to fix the buggeredness, PLEASE tell me.  I'm getting desperate.  And I'm sorry this is so late – a combination of life, school, computer problems and writer's block.  When it rains, it pours, eh?  Anyone who can spot the Spike quote gets a cookie.  And a slice of chocolate gateau for anyone who can spot the Spike quote AND the Buffy episode title.  Obsessed, moi?
    
    Dedicated to Glenn Quinn – 1970-2002.  Such a cute little half-demon, and with my surname too.  (For those of you who haven't a clue who he was, he played Doyle in Angel)
    
    * * * * *
    
    Ms Granger,
    
                   That's it, distract Harry, we can't have him guessing what you are doing.  Subtly does it, subtle… subtle… NO!  NO!  That's not subtle!  Back away!  Abort mission, abort!
    
    Okay, attempt re-entry.  Just go back into the shop.  Ron and Harry won't mind that you ran out looking panicked.  They are used to you stressing out by now.  Just tell them you have a plethora of educational scribblings, and hope it confuses them.  THEN introduce the master plan.  Suggest that you all go to Dervish and Banges.  Then… pretend to be fascinated by a rock or something, and then… BOOM!  Sirius the dog appears.  It cannot fail.  Well, it can, but screw your courage to the sticking-place and you'll not fail!  And for goodness' sake, stop quoting Shakespeare.  It's getting a bit old now.  Just march back in there, and you show them who's boss!
    
                                                                                Yours encouragingly,
    
                                                                                                Prompts At Your Service
    
    Agent Granger,
    
                   Congrats.  Mission Snuffles accomplished!  This message will self-destruct in 40 seconds.
    
                                                                                                               Yours Stealthily,
    
                                                                                                                              The Secret Society of All Things Sneaky
    
    Hermione,
    
                   Find enclosed some bumf about International Magical Co-operation.  Hope this is helpful.  Hope you are all well.  Must get back to Ministry business.
    
                                                                 Yours,
    
                                                                        Percival Weasley
    
    Elena,
    
          It's called 'football'.  My dad likes it – he's obsessed with a team called Wolverhampton Wanderers, something that is a constant annoyance to my mother.  She thinks he should spend more time gardening and less time sitting in front of the television (Muggle thing – I explained that to you, right?) wearing a bright orange shirt and screaming 'Go Ince!  Oh, you PILLOCK!  Kick the BALL, kick the BALL!!  Oi, ref, where'd ya leave your glasses??'  Can't think why.  
    
    I wrote to Ron's brother for you, and he sent me so much information it's a wonder the poor owl he sent it with didn't fall into the sea.  Actually, not so much a wonder – I don't think it had to fly over the sea… well, it's a wonder it didn't drop like a stone.  Ron reckons I've got some new obsession with saving the owls.  Thinks I should start a society called spoon.  He's just mad cuz I make him actively participate in S.P.E.W.  Typical teenage boy.
    
    Speaking of… okay, not really speaking of, but we met up with Harry's godfather and his best friend today.  I suppose it is kinda speaking of… they both act as though they're still no older than 16 most of the time.  We met them outside Hogsmeade, the only real wizarding town in Britain.  It's absolutely fascinating – they have wizarding sweetshops, wizarding pubs, wizarding clothes shops, even a not-so-haunted shack.  And there are parts of town where there are clusters of houses where no one but wizards can live.  Muggles can't even SEE these places.  A good thing too, cuz if they could, they'd start to get seriously suspicious – these houses have chimneys and windows in all sorts of unnatural places.  And some of the things in their gardens… they have gnomes and these really strange little birds that I must look up tonight.  And the _plants_!  They have plants that are all the colours of the rainbow, and some look like animals, and once, one actually talked to me.  A plant talked to me!  Ron told me to stop acting like such a Muggle – apparently there are loads of plants that talk and he was 'surprised I'd never read about them before'.  He's so… _annoying _when he's trying to be superior.  But, I digress.  Where was I?
    
    Ah yes, we were meeting Harry's godfather and his friend, Remus Lupin and… Orion Brown.  I haven't seen Orion in almost a year, but I think Harry may have seen him during the summer – he's very protective, although he doesn't get to see so much of Harry as he should like to cuz of the Muggles Harry lives with.  And he's also quite busy.  And I don't think any of us have seem Professor Lupin since he left our school at the end of our third year – he used to be our Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, and he was BRIILIANT.  But there were a few… difficulties, so he had to leave.  It was lovely to see them all again, and I can't remember the last time I saw Harry looking so happy and carefree.  They told him loads of stories about his parents when they were younger – the things they got up too!   Professor Lupin, Orion, Harry's dad and another boy were the best of friends and they called themselves 'The Marauders'.  They were awful – any trouble that they could possibly get into, they dived into headfirst.  But Harry loved hearing about it at least, and they gave him a few pictures.
    
    The rest of the time they spent acting like teenage boys.  All four of them.  What I did to deserve that I don't know – Harry Potter, Ronald (hah!  He hates being called that) Weasley, Remus Lupin (he insisted we stop calling him Professor, but it's strange) and Orion Brown.  They'd scare the bejesus out of almost anything.  
    
    Well, I'd better go now – Lavender and Parvati have organised a 'sleepover' – in the dorm we sleep in every night – for us, and they'll be offended if I spend the whole night writing to you.  I'd better try and be civil, but if they so much as try and paint my toenails… they'll be sorry.
    
                                                  Love and Godawful makeovers,
    
                                                                                                Hermione
    
    P.S. Hope you find the bumf from Ron's brother useful!  And I hope it didn't kill the owl.
    
    Hermione,
    
                   Let them paint your nails.  Let them style you hair.  If they really want, let them paint your face.  It is a small price to pay to make some friends.  You need some real girlfriends.  Elena doesn't count – have you even met her?  No, no you haven't.  You need to make friends with some girls in your year, some girls who you live with.  And who could be better than Parvati and Lavender?  They can teach you how to be a girl.  You're 16 now, if you only have boys for friends, you'll turn out strange.  This is for your own good.

                                                                                    Yours sincerely,

                                                                                                Handy Hints on How to Make Friends

                                                                                                (A Division of the Best Friends Club)
    
    Hermione,
    
                   Well, that went appallingly.  That was a complete and utter disaster.  That was just… neat.  The look on Ron's face!  We have not laughed this hard in years!  It has the makings of a classic.  Girl lets friends put makeup on her, boy knocks on door, girl answers door, boy is absolutely petrified by girl looking a state in makeup!  That poor boy will be having nightmares for weeks.  You really did look awful.  Do you mind if we tell all our friends?  It just wouldn't be fair to deprive them of this!
    
                                   Yours hysterically,
    
                                                  Situation Comedy Society
    
    Hermione and Ron,
    
                   I can't thank you enough for organising that meeting with Snuffles and Remus.  It was the most fun I've had in absolutely AGES.  I really can't thank you enough.  Thank you so, so, so much.
    
                                                                                                               See you at breakfast!
    
                                                                                                                                           Harry
    
    Ron
    
    **Hermione**
    
    So… how are you?
    
    **I'm fine thanks.  And you?  Have fun last night?**
    
    Yes.  Lots of fun.
    
    **Doing makeovers?**
    
    Some of the time.  I'd rather not talk about it.
    
    **Oh.  Well, you looked very… nice.**
    
    There's no need to humour me Ron.  I looked like a little girl who'd got lost in her mum's handbag.  What were you doing at our dorm anyway?
    
    **No you didn't.  I was coming to ask you something.**
    
    What?
    
    **It doesn't matter.**
    
    Oh.  Okay.
    
    Dear Ms Granger,
    
                   Once more, you ACTUALLY were stupid enough to think that he might really like you.  Honestly, we've tried to drum this into your head so many times already it's almost lost all meaning.  But once more, with feeling: Ronald Weasley has nothing but platonic feelings for you – if even them.  You are an annoying frizzy-headed bookworm who gets on his nerves.  The sooner you realise this, the better it will be for all of us.
    
                                                                                                                              Yours etc.
    
                                                                                                                                              Cold Hard Truth Association
    
    Ms Granger,
    
                   We forgot to tell you: your teeth may no longer be all bucky, but they're still far from perfect.  Please, if at all possible, do NOT smile.  We have just eaten.
    
                                                                 Yours etc again,
    
                                                                                Cold Hard Truth Association
    
    Dear Mum and Dad,
    
                   You know, there are some perfectly normal names in mythology.  Can't you use one of those?  Do you WANT your child's life to be made a misery because of its name?  Think about it.  Please.  For the baby's sake.  Niamh was better than most of your other names.  Just please, please don't call the poor thing Persephone.
    
    I hope you have fun at the Weasleys – have you been to their house before?  Be careful when you're there – there are wizarding things everywhere, and you know how Dad gets when something makes him jump.  It's a lovely house though – absolutely fascinating, and also really warm and cosy.  I'm glad you like Mrs Weasley.  Actually, I think it may be physically impossible to NOT like Mrs Weasley – she's one of the nicest, most kind-hearted people I've ever met.  Well, impossible to dislike her unless you're one of those prejudiced snobby elitist kind of wizards.  The kind who think that unless you have wizarding blood back to the dark ages and a huge mansion full to the brim of servants who lick your feet and build up your already inflated ego, that you're a waste of space.  
    
    I cannot BELIEVE that slimy little git (sorry mum, that's the only word possible to describe him) ever said that.  I won't repeat it.  I know it's not true.  He's not fit to grovel at her feet, he knows nothing.  It did upset Ron though.  He's still upset about it now, despite the fact that it was over a month ago.  His looks get more and more murderous.  One of these days he's just going to pounce on that jumped-up little rich boy and give him the pounding he deserves.  I, for one, am not going to try and stop him.
    
    Anyway, I have asked Madam Pince (the school librarian) to check to see if she has any books on that topic.  I don't know whether she will or not – she glared at me and stalked off muttering about mucky fingers all over her nice clean books.  She scares me a little.  
    
    I have not given too much thought to what I should like to do when I'm older.  I have almost three years to decide, and I don't intend to rush it.  As for deciding my N.E.W.T.s, I have a few ideas, but nothing is finalised yet.  I'll let you know when it is.
    
                   Love and Kisses,
    
                                   Hermione
    
    P.S. – Thanks Dad.  I'm working hard, and don't worry, no bastard will ever get me down.
    
    Hermione,
    
                   What's this?  A mysterious envelope?  We are intrigued!  Please, open the envelope, see what is inside, and keep us abreast of any new developments,
    
                                                  Yours single-eyebrow-raisedly,
    
                                                                                The Secret and Mysterious Association
    
                                                                                Of All That is Secret and Mysterious
    
    Dear Hermione,
    
                   Hi.  I didn't think that I could really speak to you so I'm writing you this note.  Hi.  I can't really put it into words on paper either.  Just… well, don't worry.  Somebody cares.
    
                                                                                Yours 'til the moon goes mouldy,
    
                                                                                                               Your Secret Admirer
    
    * * * * *
    
    Wait!  Come back!  I haven't sunken even further into predictability!  I have a TWIST!  Please stay?  And I will write better chapters soon.  Really.  Ppllleeeaaassseeee stay?
    
    Loadsa thanks (for reviewing and being patient… some more so than others…) to:
    
    Jira – Danke!
    
    Aerial – Chocolate cures all ills.  Glad you like Elena, and wanna join spoon?  I'm sure Ron would like some members…
    
    Marionette – Parvati is an odd one, isn't she?  I've finished almost all my coursework!
    
    Princess Eliana – Yes, ice cream is good…
    
    Kaylin – I just had a long weekend!  But that was just cuz I was ill, and so had to stay home and miss FENCING.  Dammit.  A whole hour of poking annoying first years… hehe.  Yeah, if you want to borrow one the societies you can… but they don't really belong to me, do they?  Beauty and the Beast with HP… who'd be who?
    
    tempestuous – Five years… that's nothing once you're older!  Nothing at all.  So it shouldn't really matter now, should it?  Rupert Grint is so… redheaded.  I'm so biased.  Glad I made your day!  Reviews make my day, so I guess it's a fair trade off, innit?  And I think the good luck worked, cuz I'm fairly certain I didn't fail!  Go me!
    
    SatanicGnomes – Don't worry, I won't steal Rupert Grint… but I do have my contacts AND I live nearer!  Bwhahaha!  I have contacts with no less than THREE of the HP cast.  Hehe.  Didn't the film rock?  Sigh.  Still prefer the books though.
    
    Myrtle – Some of the letters and associations ARE straight out of the book.  So that's probably why they look so familiar.  But hey, SOME are original.  I don't think Senna left an email addy, so sorry, I don't know.  But an email reminding you to read this chapter has clearly already reached you, cuz you're here.
    
    Quidditch, Anyone? - *scared* Remind me to never EVER piss you off.  =)  I don't know if they're going to meet… maybe.  Depends.  They've only got a few chapters in which to do it though.
    
    Hermione 2000 – Hey, it's not my fault – school started it.  I'm now supposed to be taking an A level in Physics, Maths, Geography and Classic Civilisations PLUS an AS in Further Maths.  I swear they brainwashed me.  It won?? Wow!  I know… squeaky butterfly Ron… and the spiders!  I almost broke my friend's hand I was clinging on to her so much.
    
    Splotchy the Missing Spoon – I went to a preview… yay!  Yes, implode is a very nice word… *backs away more* 
    
    Anna - Yes, Ron is the best.  Bestest, bestest, BESTEST.
    
    Kirjava – Patience is a virtue my child!  But, as you can see, I did finally update, so all the pestering must have worked…
    
    Wendelin the Weird - *blushes* You're too kind.  No, really you are.  But thank you very very much!  And true, it is quite hard to criticise without a head.  But hey, not all critics are entirely human, so you never know.
    
    Jk – You got mocks too?  Why does everyone have mocks??
    
    Fantasy apple – be-hind kicking… always fun.  Sorry I took so long.  And they will figure it out… soon… *cackles evilly*
    
    Smurky – Height of Coolness Award?  Yay!  I'll put it next to my other (ever so slightly non-existent) awards.  They do say Pahtahrn to me!  Well, they did in New England anyway… I completely support GAG.  Can I join?
    
    Superbookworm – I so want to read The Boy next Door!  It's on my Xmas list. It looks sooo good =).  And I'm glad you like Elena.  She was meant to be a plot device, but then she went and got a character… grrr…
    
    Leesa – Yes, there will be more chapters.  Now.
    
    Purplemonkies – Nope, not done.  Yet.  Not much left though.  *sad* I'll miss it.  The handshake!  *sigh*  Now where's my Ron?
    
    Danielle – It's just the voices in Hermione's head trying to tell her what to do most of the time.
    
    Aurora-chan – Yup, I write back to everyone, but then again, I don't do my homework… much.  And I did keep on writing, even if it did take me a while.  
    
    Next chapter will NOT take so long.  Just let me get over this cough – I sound like Daniel Radcliffe…


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I own a Ron action figure and two Betty Spaghettis, who, if you squint at, look a TINY bit like Hermione and Harry.  Does that count?
    
    Yes, I know I said I wouldn't take so long.  Yes, I know, I'm mean for leaving you with a cliffy.  Yes, I know, I'm an evil, nasty, lying, bad-at-updating person who deserves to be viciously mauled by rabid iguanas, but hey, let he who is without sin cast the first… iguana.  And they say I don't pay attention in Religious Studies…
    
    I do have many excuses, but really, would you rather hear the excuses or read the story?  And anyone who uses the phrase "not worth the wait" (or equivalent) in their review will feel just why redheads have a reputation for bad tempers.
    
    Oh yeah, and fuck the format.  NOTHING BLOODY WORKS.  (Fuck writer's block too.  Fuck it bloody all.  *kicks… something*)  (apologies for the profanities…)
    
    * * * * *
    
    Hermione,
    
                   Think very carefully about this.  _Who could have sent that letter???  _It was left in your bookbag, wasn't it?  In between Everything You Need to Know About House Elves and How to Pass Your O.W.L.s in Five Easy Steps.  Only just peeking out.  Who would have had the chance to put it there?  Think, Hermione!  When did you last leave your bookbag unattended?  
    
    Was it in Potions?  It was in Potions, wasn't it?  You put your bookbag down, got out your cauldron, realised that you'd forgotten your Killiweel claws, so you went over to Neville to ask if you could borrow his _and you left your bookbag behind.  Where ANYONE could reach it.  _
    
    But you know who was closest, don't you?
    
    You know who you want to have left the letter, don't you?
    
                                                                                Yours hiding behind dark sunglasses,
    
                                                                                                               The Secret and Mysterious Association
    
                                                                                                               Of All That is Secret and Mysterious
    
    Hermione,
    
                   Hello!  How are you!  Wait.  That should be a question mark, shouldn't it?  "How are you?"
    
    That's better.  Are you well?  Are you good?  Are all things hugs and fluffy puppies with you and The Boys?  The Boys… heh.
    
    I am deliriously happy.  You know why?  YOU KNOW WHY??  No!  You don't!  And I'm not gonna tell you until the end of the letter!  Build up the suspense and all that.  Actually, I might not even tell you.  Not that I don't trust you or anything… it's just it's like a nice warm and fuzzy me-secret.  That no one else knows.  Well, some people do, but only the people actually involved.  And it's not really that interesting, so you'll get to the end of the letter, read it (if I write it), think I am a pathetic little person, and never ever write to me again.  Which would be sad, because I like writing to you.  You're my writing buddy!
    
    Geez, look what I've been reduced to.  "Writing buddy"??  That is just how happy I am.  Not that I don't really like writing to you… but WRITING BUDDY??  That's a sickening thing to say.  You are my overseas correspondent, of course.  My foreign confidante.  My… WRITING BUDDY!
    
    I think I'm too silly to write this letter at the moment.  I'm going to sit down somewhere, or maybe lie down on my bed for a while.  Then I'll come back and write.
    
    Okay, I'm still silly.  But I think I can at least refrain from calling you "writing buddy".  Probably.
    
    I really want to scream and shout and sing out loud from the rooftops and do a strange little demon dance thing, and then maybe throw a party.  But… I am putting this all on hold to write a sensible letter to you.  SENSIBLE. 
    
    Thank you very much for the information you sent me.  It was boring as hell, but it was extremely useful, and so I did very well in my project.  Thank you, thank you, thank you. 
    
    I've heard about Hogsmeade.  My uncle lives there – Iocatio Dervish?  He owns a joke shop there with Bombus Banges.  But Iocatio isn't really my uncle at all – just some crazy old man who's friends with my dad, so I'm supposed to call him uncle.  But he's very nice anyway.  He always used to bring me exploding sugarcubes when I was younger.  My parents used to get such a shock when their cups of tea just went POOF! for no apparent reason.  Heh.  Was hilarious until dad got scalded.  Then he stopped bringing them.  I was very sad…
    
    But yes… I can imagine just how horrible it must have been for you to spend a day out in a wonderful wizarding village with your two best friends and two people who sound far too much fun to be adults.  And with Ron trying to superior… you know why he's doing it, don't you?  So that you think he's smart.  And you know why he wants you to think that he's smart…
    
    Anyway.  Again.  Did I say that before?  I don't think I did, but who cares.  I'm glad Harry is happy.  Harry should be happy.  Happy is good.  And I'm also very amused by your "makeover"/sleepover thing – I really didn't have you down as one of those girly girls, Hermione… although you don't' actually sound that pleased about it.  But I hope you have fun anyway.
    
    And now for my big me-secret thing…
    
    But not.
    
    It's pathetic, and kind of embarrassing that I'm so excited about it.  You'll laugh at me, really you will.  So I don't think I'll tell you.  Maybe next letter.  But that builds up the suspense and expectation even more, and then you'll expect it to be all great and interesting.  Which it's really not.  So I'll give you a clue… but that's kind of a bad idea too, isn't it?
    
    Argh, damn it all to hell.
    
    Clue:  it's to do with Alfonso… and it makes me happy.  So come to your own conclusions until next letter.
    
    Hope everything is all happy and good and fun, and write soon!
    
    Loads of love,
    
                   Your Writing Buddy,
    
                                                  Elena 
    
    Agent Granger,
    
                   Everyone is a potential suspect.  Trust no one.  Like that boy over there.  Did he just look at you?  Did he??  You weren't paying attention, were you?  This is BAD.  Stay focussed on the task at hand.  Focus, focus, focus – that's the name of the game.  Do you want to catch this boy or not?  In fact, do you even know if it's a boy?  Don't rule out the possibility of girls.  Or the possibility of friends trying to cheer you up.  Investigate it fully, get handwriting samples, check if people have alibis.  Or fingerprints!  There must be some kind of charm to test for fingerprints.  Go and check in the library.  But don't neglect your super-sneaky sneaking about.  
    
                                                                                Good luck, agent,
    
                                                                                                Yours Stealthily,
    
                                                                                                               The Secret Society of All Things Sneaky
    
    **Hermione… are you alright?**
    
    Of course I'm alright, Ron.  Why wouldn't I be?
    
    **You look a little… twitchy.**
    
    TWITCHY??
    
    **Well… kinda nervous.  And you keep looking around the room in a suspicious way.  It's a little unnerving.**
    
    Well, that's just because… erm… I can look suspicious if I like.
    
    **Yes, technically you can.  But could you please not?  You're starting to scare me.**
    
    But I have to look suspicious.  I AM suspicious.
    
    **Dare I ask why?**
    
    Because anyone could have done it.  Anyone at all.  Everyone's a suspect.
    
    **…could have done what, exactly?**
    
    Nothing.  Nothing at all.
    
    Dear Hermione,
    
                   Did you get my last note?  I noticed you looked a little, well, suspicious at breakfast this morning.  I hope I didn't scare you, that wasn't what I meant at all.  I'm just really, really bad at this.  Which is a little obvious, because if I was any good, I'd just come out and say it to your face.  But then you could do pretty much anything.  You could tear out my heart and stomp on it, you could humiliate me in front of the whole school (although I don't think you'd do them on purpose… you might do them without meaning to though).  Or you could… well…
    
    Has anyone ever told you that your hair looks very soft and cuddly?  No, I don't suppose they have, on account of that being an unbelievably lame thing to say.  But it's true.  Your hair is very nice.
    
                                                  I'll be quiet and leave you alone now.  
    
                                                                                                Lots of love (no more moon…),
    
                                                                                                                                             Your very secret admirer 
    
    Elena,
    
           Elena Calamares, if you don't tell me what your secret it, I shall be forced to come over there and get it out of you myself.  I mean, how can you do this to me?  You have a secret, this secret makes you happy, and it involves Alfonso… and you're not going to tell me?  You're pure evil, you are.  I mean, I can guess, but I don't know if I'm right!  Oh, this is worse than if you hadn't told me at all.  I can't handle suspense.  Ever.  It makes me cranky, and also a little crazy.  Do you want me to be cranky and crazy?  All because you wouldn't tell me a little secret?
    
    I have a secret too, but I don't think I'm going to tell you.
    
    Except that would make me just as bad as you.
    
    So I'll just leave you a couple of lines in which to guess about it.
    
    Okay.  Have you finished guessing?  You'll never have got it right.  It's just too… weird.
    
    I have a secret admirer.  Don't laugh, and don't pull that face.  I have absolutely no idea who it could be, but so far he/she/it has sent me two notes, both of which were slightly bizarre.  The first… well, it ended with "yours 'til the moon goes mouldy", which should give you some idea of the kind of person I am dealing with.  And, the second… in the second they said they liked my hair.  They said other things as well, but that was the weirdest – if you have ever seen my hair, you would know just how crazy that proves them to be.  I have frizzy, crazy, all-over-the-place birds' nest hair, and they called it "soft and cuddly".  They're clearly insane.
    
    I'm not going to dwell on it.  I've been acting crazy all day, twitching and looking around at everyone.  I've been looking at people's handwriting over their shoulder, to see if any of them have the same scrawl as my admirer (you have no idea how weird it feels writing that) does.  Not that they'd write it in their own handwriting, because that would be stupid.  And I don't want them to be stupid.  I want them to be nice, and smart, and kind.  And tall, redheaded, infuriating, with six siblings and too many freckles.  Is that too much to ask?
    
    Ron has been looking at me oddly this morning – he says I'm being twitchy and nervous and scaring him.  Does that mean he sent it?  Is that like a double bluff, so he pretends he doesn't know anything?  Or would that be a single bluff, because a double bluff would be making it seem like someone had framed him.  Maybe.  If I had an Agatha Christie novel I'd be able to look it up – or I could ask my mum, she has loads.  Or what if he really doesn't know a thing and I'm getting myself up into a tizzy again over nothing?  What if it was sent by some random 3rd year Hufflepuff I wouldn't know from Adam?  Or what if (even worse) it was sent by someone like Lavender or Parvati in an attempt to cheer me up?  Actually, I'm not sure which of those would be worse.
    
    I'll be quiet now.
    
    That's what he said.
    
    Oh help…
    
    Hope you are well, and write back soon and SAVE ME!
    
    Yours in complete and utter confusion,
    
                                                                 Hermione
    
    Hermione,
    
                   Congratulations, you have managed to come off as a complete and utter lunatic.  And we thought you could sink no lower.
    
                   Yours with contempt,
    
                                   The Association of Teenagers
    
    PS And we can't help but notice that you are still here, and not hiding in a cupboard somewhere, where you belong.  Please remedy this as soon as possible.
    
    Agent Granger,
    
                   What's that?  Is that a rustling sound coming from your room?  Lavender and Parvati are downstairs, and you're out here.  That can only mean one thing – an intruder!  And who would have cause to intrude?  Your secret admirer, that's who!  Don't make any sudden moments… slowly does it…
    
    Argh!  A creaky stair!  Pretend it didn't happen!  You can do this Agent Granger, we have faith in you.  Only four more steps to go, be very careful…
    
    You're outside the door!  There is no escape – you have them trapped!  Now just get out your wand, then swing the door open and you have them!
    
    On the count of three… 1… 2… 3…
    
                                                  Yours in suspense,
    
                                                                 The Secret Society of All Things Sneaky
    
    Ms Granger,
    
                   Take a deep breath and calm down.  Don't panic, don't cry.  Just because he was in there doesn't mean that he sent the letters, does it?  It's inconclusive!  Plus, it's impossible.  He just wouldn't.  He's not like that.  He doesn't like you like that.  You don't like him like that.  It's just… it's Harry.  You can handle this.
    
                                                                                Yours comfortingly,
    
                                                                                                Take a Deep Breath and Calm Down Society
    
    * * * * *
    
    *ducks heavy objects thrown at her*  No, I haven't changed ships.  Don't panic just yet.  Everything will (hopefully) be sorted out in the last two (approximately) chapters.  And yes, it did go a bit odd.  And yes, it did take a long time… but it's here now, isn't it?  Sorry for any spelling mistakes.  I did check, but my eyes were going a bit screwy and squinty and stuff so I might have missed some.
    
    And now back to maths revision for me… less than 4 weeks until my GCSEs!!  ARGH!!
    
    Massive thanks and sorry-for-taking-so-long hugs to:
    
    Hermione 2000 – Yes, I'm a fool.  Shouldn't take it.  But… I want to be a physicist, so I kinda have to.  Plus it's kinda fun… and I've almost certainly got an A, and an A* if I work really hard… so yay!  Did you have fun at Oxford Uni?  Which was like 2 months ago… but hey.  Was it good?  I saw… *counts* 3 people who know people I know on the HP DVD.  Go me!
    
    Ron Weasley – yes, original is probably the word… but it could be cute, right?  And as to whether it's Ron or not… aha!
    
    Bitethepenguin - *looks ashamed*  And I took even longer this time… 
    
    Leesa – who's your idea?  Ron?  Or… erm… Malfoy?  Dumbledore?
    
    Splotchy the Missing Spoon – It's here!  Good thing I had you people to nag me, really, or God knows how much longer it would have taken.
    
    Superbookworm – I may have cheated you… but I may have not.  Mwhahaha.  I read the Boy Next Door and I loved it.  *sigh*  I want Meg Cabot to invent a guy for me.  And Rupert Grint isn't ugly or anything… he's really quite adorable.
    
    Princess Eliana – I think Persephone would be quite a nice name for Hermione's sister… it's growing on me.
    
    Marionette – well, they might just get it over with… or they might not.  Depends on how cooperative they're feeling today.
    
    Satanic Gnomes – Can I keep Charlie now that I've been good and updated?  And oh, yay, I have the DVD now!  Yay!  Lots of nummy Jason Isaacs goodness… 
    
    Danielle – yay!  Glad you like it and sorry I didn't update sooner…
    
    Myrtle – I have the same problem with my Dad… except he's booking our holiday, so I can't be mad with him, dammit.
    
    Kirjava - *has the decency to look ashamed*  The important thing is that I did finally update, right?  And yes, the slimy git was Malfoy.  And sorry about the format.  And… erm… jeepers that plot alarm is piercing.  I can't believe I just said jeepers… yeah, that one review per chapter rule is decidedly bizarre… 
    
    Angiejohnson – he asked for flames, so I obliged… I actually like the story…
    
    Aerial – Stupid, stupid computer, eating your review.  But hey, that one was nice too, so… erm yes.  Good!  *smile*  My parents find my constant sneezing and cries of pain amusing too.  Stupid hayfever.  Grr.
    
    Fetch – Okay, you have well and truly confused me.  Did I say maurder?  Because if I did, I'm sorry.  But if I said Marauder, then I'm absolutely right, and you've lost me.  And yes, maybe it should be Feeling Sorry for Harry… but I didn't think of that…*looks stupid*
    
    Lil – I can't tell you who the admirer is!  That would defeat the point, and my own very pathetic attempt at suspense.
    
    Damienne – I love that quote… made me laugh my head off.  Thanks J
    
    Potty for Potter – Merci beaucoup.  Because I apparently haven't used that yet… yay, you like it, and read the book!  It's so so so so so good.  *nod*  Yup, my language is terribly British… but *sob* it's not my fault!  If I hadn't been born and raised in this danged country it might be different… ahem.  But you're from London anyway, which is great because London is absolutely faberoo.  Where else in the world could you find a random ancient wall on the side of a law firm or something?  That doesn't make any sense, and you can probably think of somewhere else, but, erm… I'm tired, okay?  It's near the Golden Hinde.  I think.  It's near some ship like that anyway.  Near The Globe.
    
    StarGinny - *looks scared but happy* Glad you like it so much and very sorry for leaving you waiting…
    
    Tempestuous – you always do that in your reviews – take the parts that I found most difficult, and say I did them well.  You're so lovely.
    
    J. – Much as I would love to help you with the whole secret admirer deal, I actually can't, because contrary to popular opinion (okay, MY opinion) I have no power whatsoever.  Over anything.  Sorry.
    
    Danielle – I updated!
    
    Rebecca – Kiddo?  J  And I'm happy and a little (make that a LOT) surprised you think it's better than the original…
    
    StarHermione86 – I updated, finally.  Does that mean I get adored now?  Please?  I just wanna be adored!  But, erm, yes.  Thanks for the nagging, it helped make me finally get my arse in gear and update.
    
    Lynne – heh.  I was so confused when I read this… I was very tired at the time.  But now I read it again in the light of day, and it makes sense!  It's even funny too.  Yay!
    
    Alyx Gardensdale – Yes, very similar to the book… but it will be different.  Ish.  Really.  Is Alyx pronounced like Alex?  If so, it's a very nice spelling – can I have it?  And I would have got completely confused about the Australia thing… if I'd realised it was set in Australia.  Which I didn't until about the third read, and by that time I knew the story too well to get confused, so…
    
    Fan person type-thingie – well, I'm not dead.  And I'm not obsessed with Daniel Radcliffe… but I swear my friend's friend looks JUST like him.  Really.  Except no one else sees it.  But it's not the obsession talking, no siree.  And the exams still have a grip on me, but I'm taking a welcome break, and yay!  New chapter!
    
    Raven babe – yes, only 2… but 2 isn't bad.  2 is good!  2 is 2 more than 0.
    
    cheerleader15 – people like my original characters!  Yay! *does happy dance*
    
    Jessica – Yes, you will have to read the book.  It is imperative.  It's soooooo good.  Appreciation poetry?  I want appreciation poetry!  *looks hopeful*
    
    Lost dove – I love Seamus in general.  Especially his name.  Is that weird?  SHAYMOOS.  I mean, how great?  Yes. 
    
    Danidancer – not dead, just hibernating. 


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